Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Twenty-One: Flowers Die Dude

"What do you mean you said goodbye to Sirius?" Alex asked me as we both stared up at the ceiling mindlessly.

"The star..." I didn't know what exactly to say to him.

I didn't want to sound insane. Yeah, I named a child that I didn't even give birth to. I tried to think of something to say something but Alex already knew what I was talking about.

"How do you know the child would have been a boy?" Alex asked and looked over at me.

"Just this feeling. I mean when I was in the state of in-between like I could hear everyone and I saw everything. I saw Tobias and he said his name was Sirius and he was mine. I guess I am just insane that way I guess." I looked up at the crack in the ceiling from Jack's head.

"Lisa wants us to start trying for kids," Alex said and shifted back over to look at the ceiling.

"Do you want kids?" I asked absentmindedly doing math in my head.

"I don't know. I have always been fairly okay with toddlers and up. There is just something scary because I mean what if I fuck up terribly? What if I am a bad parent? I don't want to hurt Lisa by saying no, but I don't think I could live with myself if I just screwed up someone else," Alex said sadly before getting up.

"I think you're doing pretty good Alexander," I said before he motioned for me to go sleep.

"Night LB," Alex said and kissed my forehead before leaving the room.

I couldn't help but stare at the ceiling until the sun peaked through the curtains. I got up and rushed to the ensuite bathroom. I messed up my hair to make it look like I had slept before rushing out of the room. I walked slowly into the kitchen where Lisa and Cheryl were talking. Lisa looked at me and gave me a soft smile.

"Good morning Logan," She said before picking up her coffee cup.

'morning,' I signed as Lisa looked at me.

"She did this when she was with me. She would never speak in the morning. Give her time to wake up." Cheryl said and I nodded pointing at her.

"You are just like Alex, I swear," Lisa muttered as I went to the fridge scratching my shoulder.

Before I knew it I saw Alex's beat-up fingers on the door to the fridge. I had just opened and was barely holding open. Alex held the fridge opened as I pulled out a water bottle. Alex went for something a little more healthy which shocked me. Alex pulled out the milk and went over to the coffee pot pouring himself some coffee. Lisa looked at her husband with such a love that you could feel.

"Oh, your dad texted me this morning. He asked how you were feeling. He is going to pull you off our phone plan today and you'll be back on his. You know where I live LB. You know how to contact me." Alex yawned as I nodded my head.

Alex looked in my eyes and pointed the spoon at me. Cheryl and Lisa had left and gone to a different room. They had left the room talking about make-up when Alex finished making his cereal.

"You didn't sleep," He stated and then made circles around his eyes.

"No shit," I said and went over to the coffee pot and 'accidentally' burnt my finger.

"Don't do stupid stuff LB," He said and I looked in his eyes.

"Come on get ready I'll text your dad you're up. He was talking to me about removing the locks off your door. So it should be ready when you get home. Remember it is going to be how you left it." Alex said as I nodded my head.

I walked back down the hallway to the spare room. I pulled out one of Jack's hoodies and laid it on the bed. I began to pull out the few clothes I had thanks to Cheryl. I pulled out a pair of skinny jeans that were a light wash, I pulled out a pair of underwear, socks, a set of really worn vans, I was wearing the same bra from the night before and I didn't have a clean shirt. I stripped my shirt off me first and saw myself in a full-length mirror in the room. I poked my now showing ribs and counted them. I looked at the scar on my back and shuttered before rummaging through the dresser drawers. I found a white t-shirt and it smelt like Rian's. I smiling slipping on the t-shirt then slipping on Jack's hoodie. I put on my pants making sure my socks were hiding before rolling up the bottoms slightly. I slipped on my shoes before walking back out. Dad and Alex sat in the front room talking in hushed tones.

"Brendon, I say this because I care-"

"Alex I didn't believe that woman when she called. I knew Logan was dead-"

"Brendon, listen for a second. She isn't the same person-"

"But, now here she is and we can just pick up where we had left off,"

"No, Brendon you aren't going to be able to pick up where you left off." Alex finally got the message across as I walked back into the kitchen.

Lisa was standing by the sink placing dishes into a dishwasher. I went over to Lisa and bumped hips with her. Though this action really hurt and I wanted to break down in tears of pain. Lisa looked at me and wiped her went hands off on a towel before wrapping me in a hug. I hugged her back and she began crying again.

"It was really hard saying goodbye. There is this part of me that never believed but everything told me I needed to let go. I am so sorry I let go." Lisa whispered into my head as I nodded understanding.

Dad came in and put his arms out for me. I slid under one of them as he put it around my shoulder. I looked up at him faking a smile. It was a closed-lip smile. Alex went and wrapped an arm around Lisa. Cheryl would be staying with Alex and Lisa until she decided to go back. There was nothing tying her down in New York.

I left with my dad unsure of what was going to happen when I got home. When we pulled up and I saw Beckett sitting on the steps with flowers in his hand my heart raced and ached. I wanted to jump out of the car and hug him but there is that fear I hold now. Lisa told me saying goodbye was hard. Alex told me he felt a part of himself die when I died. I didn't want to hear any more of their stories. I wanted to be a better person who wasn't this shell.

Getting out of the car Beckett stood to dust off his butt. I couldn't help but kind of laugh at how proper Beckett was no matter what. I placed my hands out in front of me clasping my own hands toward my waist. Beckett tilted his head at me before walking forward. He leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"I'd like to take you on a date. That is if you still want me as yours. I will forever be yours," Beckett said before pulling away.

'Tonight?' I signed and Beckett signed a yes.

I accepted his flowers walking in. Ryleigh sat on the floor with Zack Merrick and Penny. I walked in and Ryleigh looked at me not saying a word at first but then wrapping me in a hug and holding our hands together squeezing them in our Morris code system. I decoded it and squeezed back an answer.

'you're alive,'

'barely'

She hugged me and we sunk to the floor holding each other close just sobbing. Ryleigh held on to me for dear life. I held on her like she was the only thing keeping me afloat. Mom was in the archway with dad. Zack Merrick had taken a few pictures but you couldn't see my face. I got a notification that it had been posted to social media.

Instagram Notification: Zack Merrick posted photo: I think my girlfriend is happier to see her best friend again then me. Sad boy hour.

I saw replies flood into him saying they would date him or make it better. Ryleigh just held my hand as Beckett picked up the flowers he had bought me and gave them to my mom. I went up to my room alone as everyone was busy talking by now. I opened the door to my room and embraced the disaster it was from Jack. I flashed back to that day. I went onto my room and saw the sunflowers with my reasons. I got paint off the shelve from above and sat on the floor. I untwisted the cap and began to paint over the list of reasons to stay. I only had a list of reasons to stay. I then added one.

My song has not been sung. My ship has not been sunk. My wave has not crashed. My life has not ended yet.