The First ~10K~ (book 2)

17.) What Comes After?

I helped bury Maddi. Doc and Murphy said they would do it, but I felt I needed to place her in her final resting place. I felt like she wanted me to be with her one last time.

I wrapped her up in a white sheet after cleaning her up, taking in her beauty one last time.

I became angry instead of sad. I was shaking as I picked up my shovel and lifted dirt onto Maddi's corpse.

It started raining, like God knew it was a sad time. Thunder rumbled in the distance. The rain made the dry dirt wet and heavy.

I was weak. Mentally and physically. The dirt got so heavy. I dropped my shovel on the ground, falling to my knees. I heaved in big breaths, the rain cutting out my voice.

I felt hands on my back. Doc was knelt next to me.

"You don't have to do this, kid," He said. "If it's too hard, you don't have to-"

"Yes, I do!" I yelled, looking up at him. My eyes were brimmed with tears. "She's my wife!"

Doc looked at me, a questioning look in his eyes. He looked over at Murphy and then back at me, nodding.

"Okay. You're right." He said. He helped me stand up and picked up my shovel and handed it to me. I took it, my whole body trembling.

I heaved shovel after shovel full of dirt onto the grave until it was full. I packed down the dirt, trying to make it slower.

"Hey," I heard from behind.

Addy was standing a few feet away, a handmade cross in her hands. She looked uncomfortable, like I would pop her head off.

"What's that?" I managed to get out. I set the shovel down.

"Oh, um..." Addy started. "I-I thought maybe it would be okay to make a cross. You know, to remember her."

She handed me the cross. I took it and felt it in my hands. It was cold and smooth, like she made it from stone. It had 'Maddi' engraved in the middle and a white piece of cloth tied around the part where the two sticks met to make the cross.

"T-thank you," I said.

I didn't have any control of my body, but I felt myself wrapping my arms around Addy. I pulled her close and held her. She rubbed my back, whispering in my ear that everything was okay.

I cried for a bit, letting myself drown in Addy's arms before the sound of a baby crying brought me back to reality. For a moment, just a moment, I forgot it was my baby crying.

"I should go check on her," I said after pulling away from Addy. "Make sure she's okay."

"Yeah," Addy agreed. "I'll put this in the ground."

I gave Addy the cross. She patted my arm as she walked over to the grave. I glanced back at her, then headed off to the barn to take care of my child.

—

After we held a small funeral for Maddi, we went on with our lives. Well, everyone but me.

I felt defeated. I felt like my whole body was beaten and thrown around like a doll. The only thing that kept me from ending everything, was my daughter.

Ashlyn was growing so fast. She was already growing out of her newborn clothes and into 3 months old clothes. She was getting thicker hair and blabbing about, trying to mimic what us grown up said.

During the passing days, I ended up coming up with a plan. It was a plan that I knew would be shot down, but it didn't matter. It was about my family. The future of my daughter.

I decided to leave. To go off on my own with my daughter and only focus on us. I didn't belong here. Ashlyn didn't belong here. We didn't belong here.

I don't know when to leave, but I know it has to be soon. Maybe once Ashlyn hits her 2 months mark, I don't know.

I didn't tell anyone. Not even Doc. It was only for me to know. Nobody would notice if I were gone...

The weather turned cold very fast. Good thing we got those new clothes for Ashlyn when we did, otherwise she'd freeze.

I visited Maddi's grave everyday. I picked flowers around the farm and made a bouquet for her. I placed rocks all along the perimeter of her grave so when the snow started coming, we could find her easier.

I wasn't dealing with her death well. I was trying, but it was hard. I never wanted to live in this world without her. I never wanted to live longer than her. She was everything I ever wanted and she was taken from me like somebody snapped their fingers.

Ashlyn never slept. She was up all through the night, crying, whimpering, or just wanting to be held. I didn't mind, it took my mind off everything.

"Hey, beautiful," I whispered as I picked her up one morning. Her big blue eyes looked up at me and she giggled. "Hi, baby."

I kissed her whole face and held her to my chest. She cooed and rested her little head there, like it was where she belonged.

I walked over to my nest of blankets and clothes and sat down, cradling Ashlyn in my arms. She never took her eyes off me.

I grabbed a bottle from next to me and held it to her mouth. She took it and ate, her eyelids getting heavy with every swallow.

She ended up falling asleep, milk dribbling out of her mouth. I wiped it off and placed her in the makeshift crib Maddi made.

"Hey," I heard from behind me.

Addy was there, leaning against a pole. She was smiling slightly.

"Hey," I replied.

Addy walked over to me, looking down into Ashlyn's crib. She smiled at my sleeping daughter and lightly touched her small bush of hair.

"She's getting so much bigger," Addy said after a while. "It's insane."

"Tell me about it," I replied, watching as Ashlyn slept.

I felt Addy's hand on my arm. I looked at her and felt a word vomit coming on.

"I'm leaving." I blurted, regretting it the moment it came out.

"What?" Addy asked, her eyes wide. "What do you mean, 'leaving'?"

I felt her arm drop from mine. She was just staring at me. I felt like a huge disappointment.

"Look," I started. "I'm a father now. I need to make choices that are best for my daughter. And this feels like one of the right ones."

"Where will you even go?" Addy asked. She hadn't blinked once yet.

"I'll find someplace. I just...I need to focus on my real family." I replied.

Addy shook her head and looked back at Ashlyn. "And what about her? You'd just run into the open without a plan? You'd not just be running away, you'd be putting your daughter's life at risk."

"Maybe," I replied, shrugging. "But it's also how the world works now, Addy."

We stood there, staring at each other. We didn't say anything. Wind blew against the leaves on the ground and into the barn, making a small whistling sound.

"Are you sure you want to leave?" Addy finally asked.

"Yeah. I'm sure." I replied.

"Okay. If that's what you want, then I won't stop you." She said.

"Thanks," I replied. Addy went to walk out when I stopped her. "Hey, don't mention this to anybody else, okay? I want to sneak off. If I tell people, they'll just stop me."

Addy nodded and left.

I felt...guilty. Was Addy right? Was I making the right choice? Was this really the best option for my daughter?

I guess there was only one way to find out.

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