Untold. // Phan

Chapter 30

"Two souls don't find each
other by simple accident."

***

WARNING: MENTION OF SUICIDE. PLEASE STAY SAFE.

***

Phil looked just like his father. Same size, same nose, same body type. As if Phil would look the same in twenty years.

His dad was nice, smiled at me and just asked me about school and my future plans. It was clear to me that Phil had prepared him for the questions he was okay to ask, and which not.

I wondered all the time how such a nice, kind man like Phil's father could have been with such a cruel woman like Phil's mother. Although I had never met her before, but I didn't like the stories about her.

I didn't want to know her.

When it came to New Year's Eve, I spent it at home. Addy and I were sitting on the roof with a blanket and waited for the people around us to blow up some of the rockets. When it was finally time, we just watched the events around us.

"Isn't it cold out there?" We suddenly heard a voice behind us, whereupon we were both startled. My dad handed us two glasses of sparkling wine, which made us look at him confused, but then drank with him.

At that moment, hope spread in me. Hope that we might survive it. That we eventually, even if it isn't this year or next year, could be happy.

So one day later I went to Phil, got my New Year's kiss and asked him if we wanted to go for a walk. He had looked at me confused, because it was freezing cold and I wasn't a friend of movement anyway, but he only nodded and grabbed his jacket.

I wanted to go to the place where we first kissed each other. Where we were camping. In our safe little bubble. The only place I could be completely sure that only we were there. That only we were there as if we were the only people in this world.

On the way he told me what his evening was like. That his dad had offered that Phil and I could visit him in America if my dad agreed. We sat down on the cold, wet grass. When you breathed small clouds of steam formed in front of you.

"Are you okay, you're kinda weird, I mean, you wanted to go out. Who are you and what did you do to my boyfriend?" he laughed and shook my shoulder.

"Shut up, you idiot." I grinned and took his hand off my shoulder but didn't let go.

"Someday." I mumbled quietly to myself.

"What?"

"A few months ago, I told you that someday I'll tell you what happened." I said and Phil moved closer to me and started to nod.

"Yeah, I remember." he said after a while.

"I want to start this year right."

"Don't force yourself, Dan."

"I don't. I mean, I don't want to tell anyone, I'll never want it, but I should. I should tell anyone and who else, if not you. If I wanted to tell someone, it would be you."

He gently squeezed my hand and smiled.

I turned away and just stared into the distance. At the village you could see, even though it was a little foggy.

I didn't want to look at him. It's hard to tell anything emotional or stressful when you have to look someone in the eye. That's why I looked away, hoping he wouldn't change it. I knew he wouldn't.

"What do you think it is?" I asked. I didn't know how to start.

"I don't know."

"But what do you think?"

"Something about your mom. You never talk about her, like you just avoid the topic, run away from it." I just nodded.

"She's dead." I finally said. "She killed herself."

It hurt, it would always hurt. A pain that makes your nerves and muscles go numb. As if you can't even breathe, because your musclature does not manage to do it.

***

I had come home from school. I always came home half an hour earlier than Addy. Half an hour I always spent with my mother. We talked about school, work, and laugh. It was perfect.

Too perfect. And I should have known.

I should have known when I left the house in the morning. I should have seen that there was something different about her. That she was calmer than usual. That she was sad. But I didn't realize it.

Then I came home, after a school day that was as normal as any other school day before.

I had searched for her all over the house. She hadn't driven away because her car was in the driveway. She hadn't fallen asleep on the couch either. Not even in her bed. There was no food in the kitchen, as was always the case. Her cell phone was lying on the dresser.

She was hanging in her office.

I called the emergency call as if there was some hope. Even I knew there wasn't any hope left. Then came the ambulance, then the police, then the hearse.

She knew that I would find her. Did she want me to find her? Why should she have done that to me?

At some point I decided that she probably hadn't even thought anything at all.

And I sat on the pavement and stared at the street. Addy came running up to me and asked what was going on, but I couldn't answer. I only responded to her after some time. I just looked at her. Then I screamed. Like it was some nightmare and I could scream myself awake.

I never woke up. I just kept living the nightmare.

***

"I'm sorry." Phil said after we sat in silence for a while.

I nodded. I was also sorry.

We hadn't moved since we sat down. I was afraid to move because I thought I would just fall apart. Phil was probably scared of touching me because he didn't know if I wanted it or not.

It all felt so hard to bear.

At some point I laid my head off Phil's shoulder, whereupon he put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him.

"She would like you." I mumbled at some point.

"I'm glad." I heard his warm smile, I didn't have to see it. "Thank you. For telling me." He kissed my forehead. And I was safe.

Sure, it hurt like hell, but Phil wouldn't leave me alone. He wouldn't just leave me to the horrible pain. At that moment, I realized that not the place here was my safe bubble. It was Phil.

Phil was my safe place.

And right there, I loved him more than anything.

***

SO NOW YOU FUCKING KNOW
WOHO, jfc
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