Untold. // Phan

Chapter 17

'Cause I just won't let go 'til we both see the light.

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WARNING: MENTION OF SELFHARM. 

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It was almost as if nothing had ever happened. As if Addy hadn't just came home from the hospital. As if she hadn't been there. As if nothing bad ever happened.

Together we sat at the table and ate the pizza that dad had ordered. As if that was a normal evening. As if we had just all come home from school and work and talked about the day now.

Only that now nobody said anything. Addy was actually the one who led the conversation, but today she had nothing to talk about. I think it was my turn to distract my dad from her.

But I had nothing to tell. Except that the school was boring, but the people are nice. Addy looked unobtrusively to me and gave me a grateful smile, which I returned softly. My dad just listened to me, grateful someone broke that awkward silence.

It was hard for me to talk because there was nothing to talk about.

At home, before we moved here, I was able to talk to my family for hours. And today it was difficult for me to form three sentences at all. Because there was nothing to talk about. As if I wanted to keep everything with me, where it was safe.

Later, Addy and I sat on the roof. Her head was on my shoulder with a blanket over our legs. It was like always.

"Thank you." she said softly. I knew what she meant and I smiled softly.

"Dad said you slept at a friends house." she started. "The guy that was here?"

I nodded.

"What's his name?"

"Phil." I answered.

"So you are friends now?" she teased and I rolled my eyes and she took her head off my shoulder.

"Shut up!" I laughed too and goddamn, I was so glad to hear her laugh. Her voice. Just everything. What would I have done if all this had gone wrong?

"Say thank you from me." she later said a little more seriously and I looked at her, whereupon I slowly nodded. She looked sad.

I didn't want her to be sad.

I didn't want anyone to be sad anymore.

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair as she looked down the street. I couldn't stop staring at her. There was something about her, some feeling. Guilt.

"How are you?" I had delayed the question all day. As if I wanted to ask her at the right moment. Alone.

I didn't want my dad to hear the honest answer. I wanted her to feel safe.

"Pretty shitty." I nodded understandingly. I had expected nothing else. "I don't know how the hell this could happen, I would never, really never-"

"I know, Addy." I assured her. "All this is just too much, I understand you, I know how it is."

She looked at me with glassy eyes and in that moment we both realized how fucking alike we were. We really understood each other. She had an overdose. I had scarred arms.

And it hurt like hell.

"I'll ask you something now and you'll answer honestly, understand?" I nodded. "Did you do anything? To you?"

I knew what she meant. And it surprised me that I could honestly deny this question.

"I beat the shit out of a punching bag." I said.

"Where did you get a punching bag?"

"Phil has a punching bag."

"Phil doesn't look like he has a punching bag."

"I know." I had to laugh easily. "But he has."

Addy seemed to exhale a little relieved and I decided not to tell her about the conversation with my dad. Or that I smoked with him. I didn't mention yesterday night.

"I think he will be good for you." Addy said after a while.

"May be." I mumbled.

I wanted it that way. Phil was great, probably one of the best people I've ever met. He was kind, but not superficial kind, but really, really kind. He took care of his friends, he had a smile that could save the whole world, he didn't judge. I couldn't imagine that it could be different. That he could be angry, shout at someone.

Phil was just special.

And I hoped he knew that. I hoped everyone knew that.

"Is he gay?"

"Addy!" I rolled my eyes.

"He is, right?" she grinned. "I just wanted to know."

"Well, now you know."

She smiled contentedly and if that was all she needed to smile, then I was fine.

"Maybe we should get a punching bag." she said.

"Wouldn't be such a bad idea." I nodded.

Half an hour later, we both went to bed.

I grabbed my phone.

D: So, camping?
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What will happen on the camping trip, guys? Is shit about to happen? hmmmmm? hehe.