Untold. // Phan

Chapter 6

The face my dad made after I announced that I was going out was priceless. A mixture of shock and happiness and I was glad that that he had this face because of me. Maybe he wouldn't worry about me for a day.

Addy had left the house long ago, so I hadn't seen her reaction.

My dad wished me a lot of fun before I left the house.

The sports field was a ten minutes walk away.

I enjoyed that no one asked unnecessary questions about my long clothes and it was really just about having fun. To be a teenager. Honestly, I hadn't felt like that for a long time.

Everything had felt weird and wrong. I started to need drugs to have actual fun. With Addy I was laughing, but I could only go right into it if she had brought a joint. Cigarettes weren't the same. Blades weren't either.

We were five guys. Philip, PJ, Martin, Lukas and me. His friends were okay and didn't ask personal questions. That was probably one of the reasons why it was so easy for me to get involved into the meeting. Sometimes I felt the need to say thank you.

It was hot, but I was used to the heat.

I had the ball, Lukas wanted to take it from me and I fell down. By the way, Lukas too, which is why I only had the shared attention. My sleeve had slipped up slightly, but I had pulled it down quickly enough before anyone could see it. At least that's what I thought, because when I looked up, I saw Phil's eyes glued to me.

Actually, my first intuition was to run away, but I just swallowed hard and got up again. In fact, we managed to keep playing normally until Lukas and PJ said they were slowly going home and they had to catch their bus as they lived in the other part of the neighborhood. Martin joined them.

Phil and I walked back alone, as we learned that we didn't live far away from each other. About a five minutes walk.

Silently, we walked down the small mountain.

Would he leave me alone at school now? And just leave me as lonely as I had hoped from the beginning?

I noticed how he stopped and actually I wanted to go further, just leave him there, knowing that he was looking for a conversation, but after a short inner debate I stopped and turned around.

"Do it." I invited him as I threw my arms in the air.

"What?"

"Just do it. Tell me how crazy I am, that I lost my fucking mind, that I'm stupid, tell me everything I've known for a long time and have heard in every imaginable way." He just looked at me like a dog who didn't know what to do. I had thrown the stick, he only had to get it. I pressed my lips together.

"Did someone really say that to you?" That was his only question, and now I stared at him like a dog. Why didn't he just say what everyone else always said?

"I'd like to know why you do it, but I don't think or expect you to tell me."

"You're fucking right about that."

"Do your parents know?" I swallowed hard and was silent for a few seconds.

"Yeah, but what should you do if you have a crazy kid?" I answered anyway.

"I don't think you're crazy."

"What are you thinking then?" I asked almost provocatively.

"Nothing, actually." he answered. "I mean, you're weird and I don't believe you're really like that, but if we wanna pretend that you're the cold asshole you pretend or wanna be, we can do that."

"Are you analyzing me right now?"

"Did for a while." he answered honestly and I ran through my hair. "Listen, I don't care, but I don't think anything great about it either, we all have our shit and all our way to deal with it, but if you want to talk or just drop that mask, then I'm here."

At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be an asshole. I wished that his words left me cold, that I could just turn around and leave. But I couldn't say anything and just stared at him. As if I would consider talking to him.

"You're better off without being an asshole." he said after we were silent for a long time and walked past me.

"Thank you." I said without turning around and heard him stop. No one moved, nothing was heard, absolutely nothing. As if we were alone in the world, in the middle of the forest.

I looked up. The forest wasn't overgrown, as you could still see the sky perfectly. A squirrel jumped from one tree to another, causing the leaves of the treetops to rustle before it became completely still again.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked at it.

"Come on. I'll get you home."

From that moment on, I realized how much I disguised myself from others. My mask said I didn't need a babysitter and would go home alone. He knew that, though. But I didn't say anything, just nodded.

And there I dropped her. In the middle of the forest, watched by a squirrel, I dropped my mask.
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