Untold. // Phan

Chapter 27

WARNING: MENTION OF ABUSE, BLOOD

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D: I'm sad.

P: Give me ten minutes.

It was already late and I didn't expect him to come. Honestly, I had expected more that he would call me and we would talk for three hours until one of us fell asleep, as it always was when we were on the phone.

I felt weird when I texted him. But I promised, and to be honest, I had to keep that promise before I had to see him so sad again. Before I had to do such a horrible conversation with him again.

Was it weird to let him know?

Addy was in the room next door, my dad was at home and I contacted Phil.

I sat in the living room and waited until Phil somehow told me he was standing in front of my door. The house was quiet and I hoped that my dad and Addy were already asleep, instead of getting how I smuggled my boyfriend into the house.

My phone vibrated and I already knew without looking, that the message was from him and ran to the door.

Not even five minutes later we lay on the bed in my room. We laid there as we always did: Phil's hand stroking my back, my body was more on Phil than on the bed. My head was in Phil's neck, my arm around his torso, just to make sure he wouldn't run away. Phil's free hand ran gently through my hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly and I only shook my head.

There was nothing to talk about. I was sad, that was the way it was. I don't know when it got so bad that I had to resort to old habits.

We didn't fall asleep as I expected. It seemed to me that Phil was afraid of falling asleep.

Somewhere in me the feeling started that I shouldn't have told him anything. That it was stupid and I should just let it go next time instead of asking for so much attention. I tried to suppress it.

At some point I sat up and leaned my back against the wall.

"You okay?"

"Yes." I nodded and closed my eyes. I was tired, but something didn't let me sleep, I couldn't even say exactly what it was.

Phil straightened slightly and put his hand on my leg.

"Thanks." I said after a while and Phil smiled gently at me. He knew what I meant. "Tell me something."

"A good night story?" he joked and I rolled my eyes, nevertheless, a laugh left me. "What would you like to hear?"

"Something about you."

"What do you want to know?" He sounded so gentle and caring and I didn't know if it was just because it was late and we tried to be quiet or because he was just like that.

Somehow I had hope that he would save me. From everything.

"Everything." I mumbled. "How was that back then?"

He knew what I meant, just as he knew he didn't have to answer if he didn't want to. He could just say that he just didn't want to talk about it, and then I would just have laid back on him and pretended that I had never asked that question.

"I've often been to my grandparents, almost every weekend." He started and I adjusted to just listening for a while.

"I've known PJ and Lukas forever, ever since we were little. They were the first ones I came out to. At some point, PJ introduced me to Charlie, and somehow, there was something and nothing at the same time. I don't know, but I liked him and it came to me as if it could become something, and I wanted my mom to know that." He had removed his hand from my leg. "I just wanted to talk to her, let her into my life, you know. Is that stupid?"

"No." I shook my head and for a moment, I could see everything in his eyes: anger, jealousy, grief, pain.

"Apparently it was stupid. Fuck, I knew she didn't think much of gays, but I thought she could somehow forget that for me. I thought, this mother child love works differently. That she would love me more than anything else, but apparently that was too much to ask." He stopped for a moment and I wanted to say something, but I couldn't think of anything. "I told her and she first hoped it was a joke and when she realized that it wasn't a joke, she shouted at me, she asked me what the hell was wrong with me. Then she said I should leave before I haven't recovered."

He looked at me and it hurt. 

"I didn't leave. Then she called for my stepfather and told him to kick me out, he did that, but before that he threw me against some furniture. She didn't care."

"Holy shit, Phil." was the only thing I managed to say.

"Yeah, I dunno, somehow I have the feeling that something broke. Not my relationship with her or anything, I mean something inside of me."

I knew exactly what he meant, but I think he was aware of that.

"Then I was stumping around the city covered in blood, sitting on a train and driving to my grandparents. My grandmother wiped my blood off, cleaned my wounds, drove me to the hospital where I was told I had a broken rib and a lot of bruises. My grandfather went to my mom and got my things. He never told me if he talked to her or anything. I don't wanna know."

"You have great grandparents."

"Yes." he nodded and smiled slightly. "From that moment on, I lived with them and made their lives hell for a few months, you know, binge drinking, sneaking out all the time, skipping school, yelling at everyone and everything. Charlie loved it and encouraged it. Like the world was shit to me, now I'm allowed to shit on it too, yes, that's what it was back then. "

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say. Actually, there was nothing in this world that I could have said.

"Yes, me too." he muttered. "But I got my shit back together, that's the most important thing. I'm not an asshole anymore, I didn't fail school, my grandparents live quietly again, I have a great boyfriend."

"Oh, thank you." He laughed briefly and I dared to take his hand. He ran his thumb over the back of my hand.

"I just don't understand how she hated me so much, from this one moment, just because I like men. I don't understand how quickly feelings can change, you know what I mean?"

I nodded.

And for a while, we just sat there and at some point Phil started to play with my hand absently.

"Phil?" I tried to get his attention back.

"Yeah?"

"I love you." He stopped the movement and looked up. He knew it, of course he knew it. Just as I knew he felt the same, though I didn't understand why.

But right now I had the feeling that he had to hear it and I think I was right about that.

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