it's a bad religion
to be in love with
someone who
could never love you.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
in which an on-screen genius creates an off-screen disaster.
*completed on 4/24/2020*
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*here's a second update in order to celebrate my dad coming home from deployment today*
my back was pressed up against the wall of the studio, the heat radiating from my body fogging up the mirror behind me. my trainer sighed as she threw her bag over her shoulder.
"you were intense today. anything you need to talk about?" she asks, taking a sip of her water.
"just...you know. relationship stuff." i breathe out, still trying to catch my breath.
"well, you and marcus have been together for a while now. i'm sure you'll figure it out." she smiles gently, and i nod my head.
"yeah...thanks." i reciprocate, and she waves goodbye, leaving me alone in the large studio space.
i close my eyes and leans my head back onto the mirror, taking deep breaths as my thoughts began to cloud over. what if i didn't want us to figure it out? do i have dumb bitch-itis for even considering being with matthew? was i technically cheating on marcus right now? do i even still have feelings for matthew? do i still have feelings for marcus. of course i had feelings for marcus...or that's what i thought. maybe i had just fallen into routine. whatever it was, i wasn't sure anymore. but i knew one thing, i owed it to marcus to be completely transparent. honesty was a big thing for me. liars are the one thing i can't stand, so i couldn't let myself become one. and wherever that road takes me, will give me the answers i needed. i let out a loud groan before opening my eyes and pushing myself off the ground. i quickly gathered up my things and exited the studio. as i made my way across the freezing parking garage and into my car where i locked my doors and took a moment to grab my phone and dial marcus' number. as the phone rang, i pulled out of the parking spot and made my way home. i hear the phone click over the speaker and marcus' voice fill my car.
"hey. how was the workout?"
"exhausting. remind me why i do this?" i nervously chuckle, and he lets out a brief laugh.
"because you love it."
"this is true." i sigh, flicking on my blinker.
"you on your way home yet?"
"yeah. i just left the studio. do you think you could come over? there's something i need to talk to you about." i say, the nerves already tickling up my spine.
"yeah...of course. is everything okay? you sound...off."
my hands grip the steering wheel and i shake my head, but remember that this is the phone and he can't see me.
"no. no yeah i'm good."
he pauses for a moment before giving a hesitant answer.
"okay...i'll see you at your house?"
"yeah. i'll see you."
"drive safe. i love you."
upon hearing those words, i pause for a moment. taking note of the lack of emotional response they conjured with their presence. unlike the many times before when those three syllables would cause a flurry in my chest and my stomach to do more wiggling than the chinese new year dragon.
