Devotion [h.s]

308

But some things are inevitable, and although we make our own choses, some things are just bound to happen.

Amelia.

If you laid out my entire life within cards that represented four different events that changed me as a person. You would have; My childhood abuse, my heart condition, Amelia Adams, and Briar Styles.

Amelia was still to this day an indescribable entity that flipped my world upside down and destroyed everything I ever thought about in life.

Before her I knew how to read, but she taught me how to just see.

I never knew that the moment she convinced me to put on glasses, it would be so metaphoric to the rest of my life with her. I remember feeling so stupid when she started making me see things in a different life after I thought I had it all so figured out. I still didn't know what the the definition of love was.

But I remember screaming down a crowded street to Amelia, telling her I love her for the first time.

I used the word I was so confused about, still not finding that golden definition but yet I screamed it down the street like I knew everything about it. I surprised myself when I said it, I remember that vividly.

But that's the crazy thing innit? Something I was so scared of, I said so quickly when I thought I would lose someone like her. Why would I say it if I didn't understand it?

I remember thinking; Was I a fraud? A fraud for using a word I knew nothing about? Why do I out of all people get to use that word like I had a right to? Someone like me doesn't get to love, that's saved for good people.

And there.

That was it, right there.

That is what answered everything for me.

"Someone like me doesn't get to love, that's saved for good people."

After all these years of researching something I never understood, I pieced it all together on why love looked like such a mysterious poisonous thing to me.

Because to my core I thought I was never meant to deserve it after everything that's happened to me. It was the forbidden fruit to my life.

Since birth it was nailed in my head that love wasn't just given to everyone for free. Love was for the lucky people, people who were delt better cards. Love was available to a selection of people like happiness was.

Ever since I was locked in a basement at the age of six, I grew up thinking differently then the normal kid. Since I was so unlucky with every adult in my youth, I thought that things like love were under the same category as happiness. They were interchangeable concepts that held the same standards.

I was never happy as a young boy, because everyone wanted to make me miserable. From the beating, the awful words, isolation—I was basically taught not to be happy. The difference about these things happening to me as a kid rather then if they happened when I was an adult, was that I didn't do anything as a kid to deserve those evil actions put on me.

Because I was so young, that abuse is what sadly taught me a whole different way of life then other kids. It wasn't that 'if you were doing something bad you get punished' it was 'you were put on this earth as a bad person, and punishment is what you need and deserve.'