Outcasts

Part II: Chapter 10

Alex

When I woke up in the hospital, I expected the smell of anesthesia, the ache in my veins. What I didn't expect was Nathan at my bedside.

"What are you doing here?" I say without thinking.

"Waiting for you to wake up." he answers plainly.

His voice is neutral. I can't figure out what to make of it.

"Why are you here?"

"Seth has been driving himself mad over you." he says, causing me a sharp jab of pain.

I shut my eyes forcing down the guilt.

"I understand."

My eyes snap open, and I stare at him hard.

"Do you?"

"You're guilty. I'm not going to make it worse. I know how you felt. You hated yourself. You thought you didn't deserve to live, only to hurt others. You felt like all you know how to do is hurt the ones you love." he says, the whole time revealing not a shred of emotion.

"Oh and you'd know all about it, right?" I snap, instantly regretting it.

Of course he would.

But I can't help but muse, why is he saying this to me?

He gives a wry smile.

"You could say that."

"Lucinda..."

"She's with him. Like I said, he's been driving himself mad. He blames himself. She took him out to get coffee. They..." he pauses.

Despite the lack of it in his voice, I can sense his pain. Something's bothering him.

"They're alike in more ways than they know." he finishes, thoughtfully.

He slips into contemplative silence.

I can't resist, "What are you thinking?" I ask.

He smile wryly again, but I catch a hint of amusement in his eyes.

"Her."

"Oh."

Silence fills the air after that.

After a while he speaks, "Am I a bad person?"

The question surprises me. It's not something I'd expect to hear from him.

What should I say? No? Yes?

"I don't know. I don't really know you."

He laughs without humour. Its not a pleasant sound.

"I suppose that's true. But you know enough. I'm torturing my girlfriend, because I can't face my past. I told her I'd give her the world then scattered the shreds of hers, or what was left of it, in one broad swoop. I'm dead inside and killing her along with me. I destroy everything I touch."

"Sounds about right." I say with chagrin, however lacking humour.

He closes his eyes, obviously recalling something once amusing but only painful to think of now. He does that a lot, actually, I note.

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it."

"I never knew you promised her the world."

He opens them again, emotion clear in them for once. He's haunted.

"And more."

"So what happened?"

He looks down at his disability.

"Shame?" I ask.

He doesn't answer.

"You... don't think you're good enough for her anymore, do you?"

"I'm no good for anyone anymore."

"Are you kidding? She still loves you! She couldn't care less about something so trivial!"

"Trivial? I lost my legs! And that's not all that's lost. I can't love her like I used to. I can't love at all. I only know how to hate."

"Why do you say that?"

"I can't create a life with her. All I can do now is destroy. Our relationship is in ruins. Still she won't leave me. She should have picked you."

"And what would have happened to you, if she had?"

"To hell with me."

"You and I both know she doesn't work that way."

"She's too selfless for her own good. I knew it then, but it's only too clear to me now."

"I don't follow."

"She saved me. From my father. And myself."

I shrug and spread my hands apart.

"I have time."

"It's pretty simple. My father was an abusive pedophile. He fucked with my head. He would have done the same with my body if she hadn't helped me expose him as the monster he was. She... She gave me hope. And courage. She gave me my brother back."

At first his smile is fond, but it twists into a disturbing anguished expression.

"Only to be ripped away from me again. If I hadn't forced him to come back he wouldn't have died. But he had to, because without my father I had no one else. It's my fault in the end. Everyone I love always dies. My mother, my brother, hell even my father! But I can't stand to kill her too."

I shake my head.

"You're not a death charm."

"Tell that to the ones who died."

"Surely you hear how ridiculous you sound, right?"

"Do I?"

I shake my head.

"Why me?"

"What?"

"Why are you telling me all this? I doubt Lucinda knows about any of this. So why?"

He smiles. I really can't make heads or tails of it.

"Because you're the only one who can take care of her after I fix the mess I've created."

Before I can ask him what he means, he's already wheeled himself out, only to be replaced by a horror-stricken Seth and worried Lucinda.

I should have just died.