Jason's POV
'What did I just do?'
'Why did I do that?'
'I shouldn't have lost it like that?'
'She hates me.'
Those were the thoughts that were going through my head as I drive towards my office, after leaving my fiancée in her office with her dress pushed all the way up and cum on her stomach. I can tell by the look in her face that I fucked up. That I hurt her more than I ever have before.
'I have to fix this.' I think to myself.
'But how?'
That's a good question. How am I going to fix this. Things have already been messed up, and that's before the 'event', but just when we were getting somewhere, I have to go and let my jealousy, anger and insecurities take over and make everything worse than it worse than it ever was before.
'I've got to fix this.'
.
.
.
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Tiana's POV
'What just happened?'
'Why would he do that?'
'Why would he just leave?'
'Should I just give up?'
Those thoughts came to me in such a rapid secession that I couldn't even process them properly. But that last thought, oh how that last thought hit me hard. Really hard.
Should I just give up and let go. Should I just accept that me and Jason have come to an end. Maybe we weren't meant to be together after high school. Maybe we were just meant to bring Aiden into the world and that's it.
I mean it makes sense doesn't it. Ever since he's come back into my life it's been nothing but a rollercoaster ride of confusion, arguments, anger, crying and heartache. It's like every time there's a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel, a train comes and wrecks everything.
I love Jason so much, and he's been the only man I've ever saw myself with, but do I stay and just wait out the worst, or do I leave. I know I can't keep allowing him to walk all over me and hurt me like he continues to do, however I don't know if I'm truly ready to let him go.
Does that make me weak. Is that what's happening, I'm becoming weak. Am I becoming one of those women that I said I would never be. You know those women who stay with men that treat them like shit because they're scared that they won't find someone.
I've always said that having dignity is more important then having man, but right now I'm not even living up to my proverb. I can't seem to leave Jason, even though he's done plenty of fucked up shit that would justify me leaving. I'd definitely would be justified to leave his today and never look back, but even now I still feel like it's a hard decision.
Maybe we just need time apart. Maybe we just need to space from each other and work on ourselves separately before we come back together as a unit. Because right now we're not a unit. We're a hot fucking mess that is becoming more and more toxic as time goes by.
We should've never stopped going to therapy. When we were going things were actually starting to get better. We were talking things out and we weren't arguing like we used to, but after the event, we just stopped going. We stopped the thing that was helping us the most. Truly if we're being honest me and Jay need to go to therapy separately as well as a couple.
We both have some issues from having to grow up way to fast and I know that Jay definitely has some scars from the life. And I know seeing my mother get shot dead in the head, no matter how shitty of a mother that she was, did something to me.
I've had this inexplicable feeling of anger and sad raging inside of me. I know that it's not helping me to hold in all this resentment and hurt, but I have no one to go to. The person that I usually go to has been ignoring me for the past months and now we're back at square one.
I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like the more I try the more we push apart, and at that this point I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of taking care of everyone and they don't appreciate it. And I'm tired of putting everyone else's needs above my own.
Jason's supposed to be the one person I know I can count on. When I'm tired from taking care of everyone else, who takes care of me. He's supposed to make me feel less stressed and take some of the weight of of my back but, he hasn't been doing that lately. I mean he takes the financial burden off me, and I appreciate him for that, but I can do that on my own like I've been doing for years now.
Right now I need emotional support and I haven't been getting that. He's been ignoring me for months. He leaves me to defend myself against his family and sometimes his old hoes that can't let shit go and think they're better than me because they came from a wealthy white family and their weight never goes above 130 pounds, or they think I'm a slut because I had Aiden out of wedlock and that's the only reason Jay is marrying me.
'If only they knew what he's told me about them,'
All I know is that something is going to have to change. And it's going to have to be a drastic change at that. We need to have a major reconstruction. A total breakdown and then a rebuild because all of this is a mess.
_______________________
After what felt like hours of laying in the position that Jason left me in, I finally move to stand to my feet and clean myself off. I love to my office bathroom and wipe him off of my stomach, straighten my dress, and wash my face.
I look in the mirror as I wipe away the tear stains with a paper towel. I look at myself and I almost don't recognize myself.
'Just when I was starting to get some confidence.'
Now don't mistake me and think that I believe I was raped because I wasn't. I mean I've been waiting for us to break in this desk since he gifted me with the shop, but our schedules never fell in line for that. And I was enjoying myself until my asshole fiancé had to go and ruin it.
And I've felt a lot of things before, when it's come to my body and self esteem. Ugly, fat, disappointment, hell even anger, but what Jason did, it made me feel... trashy. Cheap. I felt like a whore, and that's something Jason has never made feel like before. And I know that those weren't his intentions to make me feel like that, and I know if he knew how I was feeling, he'd apologize for weeks on end, but he did. That's how he made me feel, especially when he just up and left without a word. I feel like some cheap whore that he used to be his rocks off at a motel and left money on the nightstand on his way out the door. Only in this instance, I'm standing in the money.
