helo everyone, long time no see
nobody even reads this but it helps me get my emotions out so I'm doin it anyways
my birthday is Friday and I'm feeling a lot of emotions about it tbh, I joined this mf app when I was 12 that's so..... long ago? i know in the grand scheme of things 17 is still so young and yet I feel as if I've endured lifetimes already
i am fundamentally a completely different person than I was when I first made my wattpad account, well ok maybe not ALL different but like, shits been rough ladies
I've been like 8 different gender identities since than (that tumblr phase hit me hard leave me alone) went by 3 different names, I've been in psych wards and I've tried to take my own life multiple times, two of those five years I was being extremely and severely abused, been on more meds than I have years of my life. I've made new friends and lost them over and over again. I've loved so many and been hurt by even more and god it's an understatement to say a lot of that time was absolute shit but you know what? I'm still here.
and that, those who are close to me or have been in the past know, is a FEAT. I didn't think I'd make it to highschool. I didn't think I'd even make it to fifteen, now I'm going to GRADUATE? you know how crazy that is for me? and yeah do I still struggle all the time? yes. of course. I still have nightmares that keep me up and voices that never fucking shut up but at some point everything became a lot more bearable, most of that due to my wonderful, strong, incredible, perfect, soulmate, rock, and boyfriend but I will give myself a TEENY tiny bit of credit for not only keeping myself together until I met him but actively trying to get better. Recover has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do, giving up is much easier than having to fight for your own damn life every day but damn it is SO worth it. I promise you it is, to anyone struggling, i promise you it gets better every single day, I can't promise it'll be fast, or easy, but I CAN promise you that one day you'll wake up and the fog will lift. I love all of you so much and if anyone ever needs to talk I am 100% here, always.
none of that honestly made any sense but I'm just? sometimes I miss my old self but I know that they're gone, and I have to live with this one now and that's okay!! it's all gonna be okay
YOU ARE READING
what is going ON//rant? spam? book
Randomthis is just me going on and on about my life even though I know literally nobody cares
