what is going ON//rant? spam? book

sum thoughts

I'm kind of tired of having to just live with being me, that doesn't seem quite fair does it? Like yeah yeah shit gets better but I'm still ME and I still don't function and I just nothing works and I don't know what to do with myself most of the time.

I'm always lonely but I push everyone away and I can't seem to form a healthy relationship, I'm jealous every time anyone has fun or has friends or isn't a fucking mess. I'm probably the worst boyfriend in the whole world, sorry alex, I'm so needy I can't even let him do stuff because I'm just worried all the time and I don't feel stable ever it feels like my world has been spinning off its axis for way too long now. sometimes I feel like I'm just not cut out for being a person.

I hate that even now, he controls me, me still fucking rules all my thoughts I can't go to half the restaurants in my town without feeling his hands on me, I can't exist without his voice existing in my head alongside my own, that even the mention of the color grey makes my whole body tense up. I just want him to leave me alone I want to stop feeling scared all the time!!!! please!!! I've been trying so hard for so long and it feels like no matter how much better my environment is, no matter how many meds I'm on I'm still just a wreck!!!

I hate that I wake up screaming multiple nights a week and everywhere I go things that don't fucking exist terrorize me.

I'm tired of my emotions going a mile a minute, I'm so exhausted.

The truth is, he took something from me, as much as I hate to admit it, he did, there's a big gaping hole in me and nothing will fill it, there's a void no matter what I do, no matter how much stuff I bout or attention I get I just keep NEEDING something, I want to stop feeling empty, I want to stop waking up feeling nauseous and like I still need him, like he was right, that I'm worthless on my own.

I want to stop waking up (as me)