why does recovery have to take so much effort? isn't that like a contradiction? only being able to recover from an illness that zaps away all my motivation if I put a shit ton of energy into it?? but like I know I know, that's how life works. I guess it just feels like I should feel better because I try and TRY but half of the time I can't ever get anything right?? I don't know. I have been writing again, that's really good, I restarted my garden!! And stuff is growing! I'm proud of myself for that, I re did my room again and I feel a lot better but now more of the yuck paint is in my line of sight so I have to uhhh get a lil crafty boys. I manage to shower every few days? I eat once a day?? (I know I know we're gonna work on that but it's progress!) I'm gaining weight back, which I am freaking out about but it will be okay. I think my new meds are helping but it's healthy weight, needed weight. Logically I know that but then I'm sitting in the shower and sobbing because everything about me feels so wrong, I just want to crawl out of my own skin. I don't know, I guess, I have made my life a lot more positive but I still hate being me so much? I want to be someone else, I hate how I look and how I talk and how I act and I just, i HATE having to be me. I don't want to die anymore, I haven't wanted to die in quite some time. I just, i just want to stop being shackled to this fucking useless corpse. And I know the only way to do that is to improve myself but I CANT. No matter how many scalding showers I take I can never wash off the grime, I always come out just as dirty. it just becomes so exhausting, to live this same cycle of hurt and fragility and feeling like you're breaking over and over. I just want it to stop.