hello ladies and gentlefrogs, it is i, so i was digging through a box of random stuff my dad shoved in my room because I was bored and I found one of my really old diaries and I felt that I should share some of the entries because most of my other old journals are mostly poems and incoherent stuff and it's kind of interesting?????
content warming: I talk very very frankly and fairly graphically about my eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, self harm, and the extremely physically/sexually/emotionally abusive situation I was in at this time so if that will upset you do not proceed thirteen year old me did not think anyone else would read this LMAO
dear diary! it's my thirteenth birthday, which if I'm being honest felt super duper old until I wrote it on paper XD (authors note: yes I did ACTUALLY write out XD, I know.) this birthday kind of sucked, but at least I didn't have a party because I don't really like parties because I don't like to have to do stuff. my mom is mad at me and everyone is too quiet and i know nuike is mad i invited talia but whatever. happy birthday to me I guess!!
haha it's 11/11 isn't that so cool? too bad it's not 2011 though, I don't think I was old enough to get that back then tho sadly :( today was okay, i had a really hard science test I had to make up though and I have so much work to do and I'm tireddddddd. I hate school, even my friends are losing interest in me and I know it. It's too hard and no one likes me and I just wanna go somewhere with lockers I can decorate and people other than the same ten people who hate me. oh well. my mom thinks public school would be worse but idk.
dear diaryyyyyy I am so sad. I'm not even really excited for Christmas anymore I mean I kind of am but I barely wanna get up to do the tree and my mom is yelling about it. I want to cut my hair. it's really annoying me, it gets in my face and It's always up anyway. also I think I am not straight? I don't even know anymore tbh. nuike hasnt talked to me in a solid week, sam says I'm better off without her and she is probs right but I miss her and I don't know why she's mad and I don't know why everyone leaves me????? I don't know. I am going to help my mom with the tree I guess.
so I come to school like a day a week now haha, not like on purpose but I'm never there because I can never make myself go but sam gets really really mad at me if I'm not there so I try to make myself go because I can't stand when she's mad like that. she is confusing. I have never had anyone pay that much attention to me before, she tells me how pretty I am all the time but then she yells and I don't know what I did? but it's my fault, I just want to stop upsetting her. I don't even really know what I want anymore.
do you ever think about how you can never escape until it's too late? flies don't know that a spider is near until they are caught in the web.
hello. im in georgia and I'm miserable, so like normal but with peaches. I don't think I have stopped crying for more than ten minutes since we got here, I don't know why I have to be here with them and I don't know why I haven't told someone they're are teachers everywhere. no one would do anything. why don't I call the police? they'd kill me. I know they would, but to be fair, they kinda already have. why doesn't anyone help me, I have bruises all over my legs and I have been sobbing for three days straight and they all just stare. I want to disappear lol. at least she has mysteriously disappeared? so that's good.
I picked up the phone to call the police today. My hands shook and shook and I couldn't even bring myself to dial. Maybe I should just call 911. What would I even say? It's my fault. I haven't left. I kick him off me and I cry and scream but why don't I FUCKING RUN. I do and he follows and then I don't know. I feel so sick. i need to end this, I want to end me. I want to end him. I want to end the nights of lying on his bathroom floor in agony, of having to cover all these bruises, of bleeding and bleeding because of all the shit he's fucking shoved inside me. I tell myself he can't silence me but he can, with his gags and with manipulation even more powerful.
I AM DONE FUCKING BEING HERE I AM DONE I AM SO DONE WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS I DONT UNDERSTAND
also it's my little sisters birthday I fucking suck I'm the worst big brother ever why can't I just put my issues aside and be okay for her but I can't.
literally everyone and everything I have ever loved leaves me. I can't love anything without it getting destroyed. funny because I'm ruined and i have never loved myself. I love food and now I can barely look at a slice of cake without wanting to throw up. everyone is so worried and I don't give a shit. I want to destroy myself. god knows you'll all be happy when I finally succeed and end this.
it's my birthday and he fucking? stabbed me? like just shoved the knife into my leg, I mean not that far but I really not okay I die NOW? I swear to god the fucking knife thing gets worse and worse! I looked at myself in the mirror today and I don't even look like a person. I think my parents have given up on me. he called me fat about a hundred times today and I'd tell him I weigh 72 pounds if I didn't agree.
it occurred to me today that I'm being raped, like that's what this is. huh.
merry Christmas I'm bleeding out of like all my orifices. Isn't there a snake that makes you do that? haha. ironic.
I'm in vistaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! woo hoo
at least he's not here
how absolutely hilarious that I'm even awful at killing myself. I weigh 64 pounds and I'm 5'4 god please let me die please
I can't even remember who I am most of the time. I'm not in school. I'm not doing anything. I just lie on my floor and wish I wasn't breathing. it's funny how one person can suck every bit of life out of you.
my nose is broken and it hurts, like really really bad. I don't usually complain about physical pain but this is almost as bad as the Knife Time. Well. No. But. It's up there, I've put so much concealer on it but I'm not fooling anyone ha. my parents want to send me away somewhere. I just want to stop being anywhere.
AND IT STOPS! ugh cliffhanger! kidding I think you can infer I'm still alive, or am I????? KIDDING. I love my slow descent into insanity like at some poing I just do not give a SHIT. classic. that's stuck with me, dealing with severe trauma with humour.