"Love.." I heard her whisper as I snuck into our bedroom. The cold air greeted me, sending shivers down my spine. It was past midnight and the middle of summer. It was supposed to be burning hot, but the room stayed cold-probably colder than north pole itself. The lights were dimmed, giving me a dull view of her back as she laid in bed, facing away from the lampshade on the bedside table that was illuminating a faint, dirty white light to the four walls of what was supposed to be our solace, our haven-that now seemed like a torture chamber.
Lisa is very much awake to my surprise. I thought she had slept throughout the night with work early in the morning tomorrow, but she was awake. Very much awake and waiting for my arrival.
"Go back to sleep, love." I said, slipping out of my tight black dress. I laid beside her and closed my eyes to welcome the tiredness but what I felt next was the soft mattress dipping slightly as she moved and tossed around, her hands instantly went on my waist, pulling me closer to her in possessiveness and pure instinct.
"I love you." She uttered, breath heavy pressing on my neck. I sighed, exhaling the familiar scent of liquor flowing through my veins. My head was spinning like I am in an endless jumps and turns on a rollercoaster ride. The moment I stepped in our room, she knew where I've been and what I've been doing... she knows-but still she manages to pull this calm demeanor that never fails to annoy me.
I love Lisa, I love her.. or at least I know I did, at some point. But now all I feel is this vast hollow in my chest whenever I'm with her. Her stares pisses me off. Her scent disgusts me. Her voice filled me with anger. Her touch and kisses burned my skin, giving me great pain and sorrow. My emotions are seeping through me almost as if she's trying to drain me emotionless-as if she's trying to turn me into a person inspired with so much hatred and blinded by rage. All the love I had for her vanished into the void, evaporated into thin air. I did everything in my power to turn everything around and so did she. Too many chances we gave, too many risks we took. I carried her darkness as my own. We both tried to save the relationship from sinking even if it meant either one of us would sink along in the process-because that's what we were supposed to do, not give up without putting a damn fight. I don't know what happened, what went wrong. The mistakes I made, the lapses I overlooked. I owned this shit, every move, every decision I am partially accountable for. It led us to dead end. And all I know is that now I need toxic flowing in my veins every night just so I could bear to look at her.
I don't recognize her anymore. And the longer I remain in her company, the longer I tolerate this marriage... the more I fail to recognize myself. I promised her I'd tell her everything, I'd tell her the truth even if it hurts-especially when it hurts. I promised to love her, and I promised to tell her if one day I wake up and I no longer do. But those promises are long gone, including my love for her. She had become a poison to my mind, to my heart and to my soul.. and god, I have no fucking idea how to tell her that without ripping her heart to shreds.
"Sorry, I was late." I said, my voice coming out flat than I intended as I obviously ignored her previous words. I felt her hands tighten on my waist. She snuggled closer to me, her chest clashing into my back with her chin resting on the nook of my face. Hot, shaky breath coming from her lips, making me quiver in my spot as it hit my cheeks.
"It's fine, as long as you come home to me." She mumbled, kissing my neck and shoulders.
And before I know it, I fell asleep in the arms of the woman I call my wife but no longer love, reeking of alcohol and silently drowning with mad rage as the gaping hole in my heart grow bigger by the second.
