Life as I know it

10/25

I hate my life.

But I love the people in it. And I dont want them to be hurt.

I feel useless and betrayed and worthless and unimportant.

But I cant do it.

No suicide. No self harm.

I have an example to set for my two beautiful little sisters. And them having a big sister that cuts or not having one at all is not what I want for them.

And I love my mom. She has bad enough problems with her high blood pressure and the stress of being a single mother with three kids, no job, and going back to school to be a nurse.

And I love my friends. One friend, (who will remain nameless) texts me late one night months ago saying she was going to kill herself. I talked her out of it and I cant do anything to myself bc I know I mean something to someone besides my family and I love this girl that told me that and shes one of my best friends and I thank God I have her in my life and that she is still here and healthy and I am so grateful I had been up that late that night to help her.

Speaking of friends NIKKI is confirming her faith tomorrow (or technically today since its after midnight) in front of the church and I have to say I am so proud and happy for her bc this is such a big step and I feel so happy I get to be a part of her life when she does this. (But I'm still fucking pissed I wont be able to see her do it bc my sister has stupid softball games but I really absolutely wish I could be there.)

I'm also proud of Zalea, she had Region competition today and she made 8th chair, so shes the 8th best flute player in all of our Region so I'm so proud of her for that accomplishment.

And Nikki looked amazing tonight with her hair all curled and the flower crown she wore and the green dress she was wearing looked AMAZING on her by the way haha but for real she looked awesome.