Golden Pen Reviews (CLOSED)

The Choosing

Title: The Choosing
Author: phoenixbird1313

Description:
The Town has already enforced and shoved The Rules down everybody's throats. Evelyn Harley had always obeyed in fear of punishment if she didn't. But she notices something about this seems wrong when she visits the outside world for the first time. Sure, The Town has order, but no freedom to go with it. So what's more important? Fighting for your life everyday or actually having a life to live?
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Your title doesn't give a lot away. We know that something, or someone, will be chosen for an unspecified task. I think this title works well despite its vague nature, as it leaves readers with an opportunity to ask themselves questions. What is this choosing? Is it dangerous for those involved? I definitely left your title with a nice first impression.

Your summary also works fairly well. There are a few instances of awkward wording, but it leaves us with an intriguing question, and we're left wondering how we would react to this situation. Would we stick with the peaceful lifestyle, or step out of the comfort in order to add meaning to our life?

Your plot seems as though it got lost, wandered around for a while, and tried to find itself again.

Evelyn is introduced to us in a very realistic way, and I think she is a rather balanced character. While I think this is nicely done, some elements of the plot are incredibly confusing.

Evelyn's situation is explained quite well in the early chapters, and we have a nice amount of background about the exams she is going through. However, the exams themselves quickly lose priority. The mental abilities exam is done nicely, and gives off Divergent vibes. After getting readers' interest with this, you then go on a subplot revolving around Evelyn's fight and the mysterious conversations she hears at night. I am less interested in the exams when they finally make a reappearance, and you've written Evelyn's physical exam in a way that confused me greatly. She begins with an obstacle course, yet ends up on the outside of the town wall. I have no clue whether she is still being tested, and nothing is done to clear that up. Therefore, I'm left feeling pretty lost at the end of that chapter.

I think, while some mystery is good, this plot point needs some explanation. Aside from that, I think you should focus on the exams before introducing the subplots of Evelyn's fight and the conversations she overhears. I think this edit would make the plot more understandable, making it easier for us to stay interested in the events. Tie things together so that readers can follow the storyline without growing apathetic.

Your grammar isn't too out of line, though when you make a mistake, you make it fifteen times.

One example of this is 'women' instead of 'woman'. I have my own issues with grammar, wherein I constantly write one thing when I know I'm trying for another, but I always go back and edit before I post. While I merely kept noticing it, some readers may become annoyed with the same mistakes popping up over and over. I suggest a quick edit of grammar, making sure you catch these pesky errors so they don't continue to be an issue. :)

As a whole, your story has quite a bit of promise. It just needs some tweaks to get it where it needs to be.

Would I recommend this story? Yes, though it needs a proper edit. Sci-fi readers will enjoy, though in order to understand the plot line, you really have to stay with it, and not lose focus, right now.

OVERALL SCORE: 79/100