Golden Pen Reviews (CLOSED)

Learning To Fly

Title: Learning To Fly
Author: dobrikarmy

Description:
They said he would never change, they said he was a monster.

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         To put it plain and simply April Thomas is a wallflower. Not really knowing where she stands in the world, over the years she has learnt to blend in with the crowd, that is until she meets the infamous, cold-hearted and emotionless Theodore Anderson.

He's said to be a monster, dangerous and bitter, often scaring people off before they get close.

She's said to be boring, plain and ordinary, often slipping away from a crowd unnoticed.

It seems almost impossible growing up in this messed up world but April must realise that you can't stay on the sidelines forever and sometimes, just sometimes, you have to be your own definition of beautiful.

It's hard finding yourself when there is no light,

And it's not easy learning to fly when your wings have been clipped,

But all it takes is just one person to give you a chance.

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Highest rank: #9 in wallflower

Started: 18th April 2019 Status: Ongoing
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I'm going to start with your title. The word 'to' should not be capitalized. This word will only be capitalized in a book's title if it is the first word, and here it is not. If you would like to know more about when certain words aren't capitalized in story titles, there are tons of websites out there.

Your summary is quite interesting, and gets readers curious about the rest of the story. You have a hooking description, despite the grammatical mistakes. You have a need for a comma in several places, which impacts the flow a bit, but your summary's language is quite captivating.

With that being said, my expectations were a bit higher than they should have been coming into the book. The plot itself seems interesting, but I found the story difficult to get into. It felt a little slow-moving, and I had a hard time staying interested in the first few chapters. I think you could either speed up the pacing here, or include more things for April to do. Maybe her college has events for freshmen to get involved in (mine has a week devoted to making freshmen feel comfortable and at home).

Aside from this, you mention that April is attending NYU. That's New York University, but for some reason she takes Theo's order at the coffee shop, then asks for money in the form of British pounds. This was confusing to me, as I couldn't tell if she was making a joke out of his heritage, or if she was actually asking for pounds. Either way, I don't think this is serving a purpose, and it may confuse readers.

I can identify with April's mental struggles, but I would like to see you explore this more deeply. You mention frequently how she hates certain things about herself, but maybe give us some variety to those thoughts. Make us feel what April is thinking on a deeper level, and that could help her become even more relatable.

I also think that the characters' interactions make them seem a little young for college students. The way they react to each others' jokes and banter makes them seem like younger teens, in the high school age range. I think to an extent this is fine, but maybe make their reactions to comedic situations a little less exaggerated. :)

Your grammar is pretty average, I suppose. You have several places throughout where a comma is desperately called for, though your language as a whole is pretty good. There are a few instances of awkward wording, but aside from those I didn't have to stop to figure anything out.

There is one aspect of grammar that could, quite frankly, get a little annoying for readers.

Thank you is two words. If I were to write 'thankyou', as I just did, my autocorrect will try to change it. While this may have been a stylistic choice, in which case you should specify, it isn't really doing much for the book. If you want to show informal dialogue in other ways, to make your characters seem more laid-back and to make the language feel more like that of an everyday young adult, maybe try doing so in other methods.

Overall, this book needs some work, but it has potential to be an interesting, enjoyable read.

Would I recommend this story? Not at this time.

OVERALL SCORE: 71/100