Banks
I sat at the small gravesite that read "Kairi Angel King". I placed the pink roses above it and sighed taking a seat in front of it. Today, my baby girl would be five years old. It hurts me everyday to think about what my life would be like if she was here.
I've always wanted children and when I found out that Sky was pregnant I went above and beyond preparing things for my seed. When we find out we were having a girl I was even more excited. I couldn't wait to spoil my princess. I was crushed when she was born a stillborn. Every single thing I thought I loved didn't mean a thing at that point.
I wasn't myself anymore and trying to be with Sky made it even worse. Two broken people trying to fix each other from the same shit wasn't good at all. We tried to be there for one another but we only put each other in an even darker place. We constantly blamed each other for the way things happened for Kairi and for a while I believed that I was wrong. I began to start blaming myself for the things I did, I could've done, and shouldn't have done at all.
I was an emotional wreck. I began to lash out at everyone because I didn't know how to cope with my own pain. I kept reliving the days in my head thinking about what could have went wrong until one day I recognized my life all to be God's plan. Maybe God had bigger plans for my baby girl and when I began to think that way I finally began to cope with the loss of my daughter. I let Sky go and the pain and anger. I began to see clearly and began to live again, finally.
Blessen and Blu coming into my life only made me better. I felt like I had a family, aside from my mother, father, Granny, Carter, Khaia, Cali, and Chrys. My heart is now whole again but I will always have a place for my Kairi and she will always be a motivating force in my life.
"Hey mama." I cooed. I always felt that warm feeling when I visited Kairi's grave. "Happy birthday boo. You're five now and I can't believe it. Time really does fly by. I probably would be teaching you how to ride a bike or some shit right now or how to write your name. I don't know I never got to be a dad but I know I'd be the best dad to you. I love you so much princess."
I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a presence that handed me a tissue. I took it and looked over at Sky who sat beside me.
"Every year I wait for you to leave then I come sit at her grave. I couldn't wait today." She said with a straight face but tears still ran down her cheeks. "I never told you this before but I'm so sorry, Banks. You were always stronger than me. You got up and got yourself together and I just was stuck in the same place. Kairi is all I have; still. I have no family and I would have loved that little girl with everything in me. You had your parents and Granny and your brother and sister. I had no one. I wanted you to be there for me Banks. You had all these people around you and I had to deal with this shit alone. For the longest, I blamed you."
"Sky, I———"
"Let me finish." She said still looking at Kairi's head stone while dabbing at her eyes. "I'm getting better everyday. I've been dealing with this shit for the longest and watching you grow and move on made it worse for me. I hated it. I hated you. Now, I'm better. Your growth has motivated me to grow. I'm tired being a bitter bitch. I just wanted my child back but I know that won't ever happen so I need to start living for me. I'm sorry for disrupting your life. I just didn't want to be feeling this pain alone."
"You have never felt this pain alone. I will always feel that shit but I decided to not let it consume my life." I finally spoke up. "Every single day I can see her beautiful face. It still haunts me but I knew how we were living would kill us soon. I decided to stop living wondering about how life with Kairi would be and started living for Kairi."
"I'm learning to do the same. It's taking me longer but I'll get there. I've wasted so much of my life being angry and none of that has ever brought her back. I'm proud of you and I thank you for still taking care of me and making sure I'm straight. I also apologize for messing with Blessen. I'll stop with my shenanigans because I see that she truly makes you happy."
