2 weeks later.....
Blessen
The past two weeks have changed a lot for my family. My scars were almost completely gone but that didn't change much about my feelings. My emotions were all over the place and being pregnant made it even worse. Sometimes I hide away from everyone and cry. I had so many amazing things on the horizon for me but I can't truly be happy until I have peace.
Peace is something we all take for granted. For me, if it wasn't one thing it was another. Banks never let me out of his eyesight and I love it and hate it. I'm such a free spirit and sometimes I needed alone time to settle the thoughts that roam my brain. With Banks, Blu, Onyx, Kelsi, Mega, and Carter always in my face, dealing with my demons became harder. If I told them how I truly felt, they would smother me even more.
I've become a person that I don't even know. I was truly smiling but dying inside. I was scared for my life as well as my family's. I had made the decision to make Blu home schooled because I was terrified of something happening to her while she was away from me. I am now projecting my own fears onto my daughter. I want her to experience everything in life but because of my own anxiety I was blocking her from being a three year old. Blu's safety as well as my unborn was my main priority. What else am I supposed to do?
Times like these are when I craved my mother's love even more. Nobody can truly comfort me the way she can, although they try, I'd hate to admit to them that it would never be enough. My mom meant the world to me and I knew with all the shit I've been dealing with she would be the one to bring me pure peace. She always had the right touch and the right words. She was my person and it kills me inside every day knowing that I can't get that back.
I fight everyday to find my joy because now that I think about it I don't remember a time after my mother's passing where I was truly happy. I have so much to live for in Blu, in my unborn, and my family. I can't give up no matter how hard life gets. I've been down but I still have a lot of fight left in me and I will continue to fight until my days are over.
I opened my eyes and welcomed in the morning's sun as I stretched my arms out before raising myself up as I rested my back on the bed frame while mindlessly rubbing my belly. I wasn't showing but my belly was becoming hard in some spots. I smiled a little thinking about how beautiful Banks and I's baby would be. I was hoping for a boy since I already had a spoiled baby girl.
My smile grew wider as I noticed the pink balloons that were touching my ceiling. Some silver balloons stuck out to me that said "Happy 23rd Birthday Beautiful". My eyes grew teary as I reached up to grab one.
I heard some noise as Banks and Blu entered the room. Blu held a tray of breakfast as I laughed a little. The pancakes were a tad bit burnt but they held a pink candle that read my age on it. Today, I've endured twenty-three years around the sun.
"That's so sweet, mama." I smiled as she sat it on my lap. I looked over the eggs, burnt pancakes, burnt bacon, and fruit.
"Mommy, Banks burnt everything." Blu whispered loudly as we all shared a laugh.
"Baby girl, why throw pops under the bus like that? I tried bruh."
"It's okay baby. I love it." I said as he reached in for a kiss.
"Happy birthday beautiful." He stated while pulling away and placing a sweet kiss on my forehead. Forehead kisses are top tier. They are so much more intimate to me than any other kiss, especially coming from Banks.
"Not fair I want one too." Blu whined. She grabbed both of our faces and planted a kiss on Banks' cheek as well as one on my lips.
"Your kisses are sweeter than Banks." I teased.
