Untold. // Phan

Chapter 15

Only now I started to understand how everyone else felt with me. Desperate, they wanted to know what was going on so they could say or do anything. And I just completely closed.

I didn't know what to do so she would talk to me.

"Addy. Please." That was all I could say or do. 

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit."

"Me too." I saw water gather in her eyes. I haven't seen her cry for some time. It hurt, it always hurt. I didn't want to see it, but also I wanted her to break down so she would get it out of her system. 

I took her in my arms again and she actually began to cry.

And finally, I was the one who held her tight. The whole time she had taken care of me, that the role change was really welcome right now.

"I didn't want that to happen." she sobbed. "You have to belive me, Dan."

"I do, I do." I assured her.

"I would never leave you. I wouldn't do this to you."

"I know, Addy." I stroked her back. Her head was rested on my shoulder. I could feel the fabric of my shirt getting wet. I didn't care.

"I just wanted it to stop for a second. I'm sorry, Dan, I'm so sorry."

"Addy, hey, look at me." I gently reached for her shoulder and pushed her away, so she would look at me.

God, it hurt. Seeing her completly broken and crying hurt like a bitch. But I had to go through it. And for once in my fucking life, I had to stay strong and calm at the same time.

"Don't apologize for having feelings, okay? You take care of dad and me, all the time. You cook, you clean, you do all that shit, cause dad and me are way to stupid for this. If someone should fucking apologize it should be us." I said seriously. "I'm sorry, Addy. I'm sorry I'm not there for you."

She started shaking her head as if she wanted to say that this apology wasn't necessary. But it was, it really was. She took more care of me, than I probably ever did. Than I ever could. 

"I love you, Addy. I really do." She wrapped her arms around me and said something that sounded like "I love you too.".

And it was okay. 

Cause from now on I decided, to be a better brother.

I sat with her all day. Also with my dad. They didn't let her go yet. They said she should stay another night, just to make sure everything was alright.

Unfortunately my dad and I had to leave in the evening.

We both went into the garden. I have never been in this garden. My dad had walked right here and I didn't want to leave him alone right away. He sat down on the bench he set up there and I sat next to him.

"Do you have your cigarettes with you?" He asked casually and I looked at him with a frown. "I know you are smoking Dan. Give them to me."

Hesitantly, I reached into my jacket pocket and handed him the package. When I saw him taking out a cigarette, I just stared at him for a few seconds before handing him my lighter.

I used to see him smoking with relatives, at parties or weddings, but never at home.

It was the first time I smoked in front of him.

"You shouldn't smoke." he said after a while.

"You too." 

We sat in silence next to each other. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find the right words yet. 

"I'm sorry, dad." I finally said. "For not talking. For not letting anyone near me. For not trying to go to therapy. I'm truely sorry." 

He looked at me and swallowed hard. As if he had to digest what he just heard.

"I don't try to be mean or an ass."

"I know, Dan." 

"I think I try to protect you, if that makes sence? You are so hurt yourself and I don't wanna make it worse. I don't want you to understand me. I don't want you to know what is going on in my head. You don't have to know it. You don't want to."

He just looked at me until he put an arm around me. He rubbed my shoulder for a while. 

"Thanks, son." he managed to say and I swollowed. 

The most honest thing I ever said to my dad.

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