Scented Roads

(22) Hide me from myself

Furqan

Furqan sent the email he had been writing since the past thirty minutes. It is a simple email explaining a necessary leave from work for the following four days, however Furqan's habit of over analyzing things kept him editing a two paragraph email like there is no tomorrow. 

Furqan has worked for a good amount of time in his present company, and has a record of not using his yearly holidays unless he gets really sick or his uncles needs his time. For this reason, when the team gets to know that their assistant team leader is taking an off, a few of Furqan's close colleagues email him expressing their concern. But they will have to wait quite some time to hear back from him. 

Furqan lay in his bed, in complete darkness. He lay straight, and stared into the darkness. Wrapped up in a blanket in this hot summer, his room temperature was reduced to 18 C so that he could enjoy the warmth of his blanket and escape a part of the emptiness he felt inside.

Furqan is sick, but this sickness in not of the body but the mind.

Furqan turns to his right side, wrapping the blanket closer to his body, almost as if he hugged it and the blanket hugged him back. He looked back on yesterday's incident and felt scattered and embarrassed. 

When he went to the grocery store near Ala's house, he had taken a leap out of his comfort zone. It's true, he had prayed earnestly to meet her family member there, and connect with them to set a pleasant impression on Ala. He had shut his over analyzing thought process, and accepted the words of his friend Adam. He regrets ever listening to him. He regrets ever talking about Ala to Adam. He regrets stepping in that grocery store and meeting her mum. And he absolutely regrets staying at her house for dinner.

With frustration of not being able to change yesterday, he slams his head in the cushion the forth time today. 'Agh', he screams into his cushion. 'I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and sick.' 

The truth is slowly resurfacing, Furqan cannot see past his initial rejection and he is not comfortable making an effort for Ala. People don't change overnight. Furqan has lived all his life in seclusion. He works in his own comfort zone, and refrains from making connections that effect his feelings too much because that's just how he has adjusted himself to live. He doesn't know why he is the way he is, all he knows is that this is a major attribute of his personality. 

He spends three days in his bed, only ever leaving his room to eat or to do wudhu for prayers. He feels devastated, and keeps analysing everything that he said on the dinner table. He thinks how he could have done better, or how he shouldn't have been there at all. He thinks so much that it drains all his energy everyday. He cries in the middle of his prayers, telling Allah how utterly embarrassed he feels of his own self. He wonders why he can't be confident in his own self and just let things go, and then he wonders why he isn't good enough. 

After four days of self induced agony, he extends his leave until next week and continues his pattern of over thinking and self defaming. He finally gets over it when he joins work again and explains himself to let the past remain in the past. He promises to never try and make efforts to get Ala to notice him again, for his own mental peace. And he also promises himself to try and forget about her. He is used to not having anyone is his life, so it shouldn't be a problem is continuing that way, right?

At least that's what he believes in.

He got his hopes high because of his uncle's push towards marriage and having a companion, only to realise that he won't be able to do what it takes to get one. He cannot walk out of his comfort zone easily, and staying in his comfort zone he cannot make someone like him, he decides to just let things go the way they are and forget about ever trying to involve himself with someone ever again.

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Can you understand why Furqan is behaving like this? 

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Love, Umaima