Despite Changkyun's misgivings, Wonho continued to take care of and look after Hyungwon all day. He'd moved his desk next to Hyungwon's (he'd originally tried to sit in Minhyuk's desk, but Hyungwon had started hyperventilating, so he'd just gingerly pushed Minhyuk's desk into the corner before dragging his own over). He made little jokes throughout class, jokes that Hyungwon didn't laugh at, but he tried to make Hyungwon feel included nonetheless. He doodled in Hyungwon's notebook, as Hyungwon had given up on bothering to take notes. At lunch, he sat next to Hyungwon and once again made sure that he ate.
Changkyun didn't understand, but he didn't need to, because Hyungwon wasn't his problem, Wonho wasn't his problem, neither of them were any of his business at all. And yet...
And yet he found his eyes trailing after Hyungwon, scanning him to see if his legs were shaking, if he was about to collapse; taking in the shadows beneath Hyungwon's eyes, the ones that said that last night had been bad, that he was struggling; searching Hyungwon's eyes for the spark that used to be there, the spark that said that Hyungwon knew he wasn't okay but he was okay with that.
The spark was gone, had been gone for a while, but Changkyun still searched for it.
His eyes caught on Wonho too, for different reasons, mainly because he was trying to puzzle him out. Hyungwon was dying inside his mind, and Changkyun understood that to a degree because they'd all been there at some point, chained to an anchor and heading nowhere but down, but Wonho was a new mystery to Changkyun.
***
Hyungwon collapsed later that day, and Changkyun was both frustrated and relieved that Wonho had been the one to catch him and transport him safely to their room. It wasn't that Changkyun was jealous, he had no reason to be, but...something about the whole situation aggravated him.
Wonho returned to their classroom ten minutes after setting Hyungwon down to rest, and Changkyun watched him from the moment he entered the room to the moment he sat back down in his desk.
Wonho turned, sensing someone staring at him, and met Changkyun's eyes.
Changkyun stared back coolly while struggling to think of something to say. "Is he all right?" he asked. It was a stupid question. Changkyun knew that Hyungwon was all right; he'd fainted dozens of times. This was routine. Normal. Normal for an abnormal person.
Wonho, thankfully, didn't seem to realize how stupid of a question it was, most likely since for Shin Hoseok, this was the first time Hyungwon had passed out and the first time Wonho had caught him, even if it had in reality happened so many more times. "I think he didn't get much sleep last night, is all. He looked a little dead today."
Changkyun wanted to say, That's how he always looks now, but he kept the words to himself. Shin Hoseok didn't know a Jooheon, nor did he know a Minhyuk or a Kihyun. Trying to explain the toll their losses had taken on Hyungwon seemed an impossible task. After all, logically speaking, shouldn't they be happy for the others, who had passed their evaluations and escaped a den of misery while everyone else still grappled with their demons?
But they hadn't lost loose associates; they'd lost family. For many of them, M-wing was the closest thing they had to a family. For Minhyuk, Kihyun, Jooheon, and Hyungwon especially, since they didn't have very good relationships with their families in the first place. Maybe that was why they had become so close. Because people like Changkyun and Shownu and even Wonho had people they wanted to get home to.
How do you explain to a stranger that a boy doesn't look dead inside due to sleep deprivation but from losing three members of his family?
Changkyun didn't think that Wonho would understand.
But Wonho surprised him.
"Something's wrong with him, Changkyun," he said, before flushing in humiliation as he hurried onward. "I don't mean- I don't mean to be offensive or anything, I just mean that...it's like there's a little part of him that's broken." Wonho licked his lips nervously, unsure as to whether his classmate would agree with him or think him crazy. Which was ironic given the setting. "I honestly don't know how to help him, but I don't want to just let him get worse. Isn't there...isn't there something we can do?"
Changkyun tightened his lips, looking down, repeating the familiar words in his head:
He's not your problem.
He's not your problem.
He's not-
"I don't know how I would be able to help either," Changkyun mumbled, ignoring the self-serving mantra in his skull. "I don't know what's really wrong with him. I mean, I know why he's depressed right now, but I don't know what's been going on with him since before he got here. That's something else that probably only Dr. Irving knows. I can't...I can't help him."
I can't help him.
Changkyun felt his heart sink, and he didn't understand why.
I need to focus on myself, on getting better, on passing my evaluations. I can't worry about someone else and mess up my progress. I can't- I can't-
I can't help him.
But if his heart had made up its mind to turn away, then why did it hurt so much?
Why was it that all he wanted to do was put Hyungwon back together again?
