Fear. Real fear, the fear of death fast approaching. He felt the hands at his neck, squeezing, before lightening, almost taunting him, but then putting on the pressure, not letting up.
Hyungwon was terrified.
He scratched and clawed. He felt his feet leaving the ground, and they dangled loosely, fighting to get traction, but he already felt his head growing light, his vision fading, his last breaths being dragged into his empty lungs, and then-
Hyungwon gasped, pain mixing with panic mixing with relief, and he didn't know which was was up and which was was down or whether he was alive or dead or awake or dreaming or if he even existed at this point.
"Holy shit, holy shit, he's- oh, he's awake. Kihyun, what are we supposed to do? Kihyun?"
"Shut up and get out of the way. Don't touch him," Kihyun snapped, pushing Wonho aside in the dark. "He doesn't like being touched, okay? Don't crowd him or he'll feel overwhelmed." There was a moment of silence filled only by Hyungwon's panicked breaths, in and out, sounding rough and shallow. Then Kihyun spoke, his voice softer than Hyungwon had ever heard, not that Hyungwon was processing much of anything. "Hey. Hyungwon. Slow down, kid. Take deep breaths. In, out. In- Dammit, Hyungwon, you're not taking deep breaths. Shut up and listen to me," Kihyun said even though Hyungwon hadn't said a word.
Hyungwon dragged in a breath and held it, counted to three, or almost to three until he felt his lungs straining, and he exhaled.
"Slower. Breathe slower."
Hyungwon slowly evened out his breaths, and the more even they became, the softer his heartbeat was in his ears, until he was finally able to process his surroundings.
Dark.
A mattress beneath him.
A wall to his left.
The room.
They were in their dorm room.
Reality.
It had been a dream.
As always.
And he had been about to die.
As always.
He put his fists up to rub his eyes, and that's when he noticed that his face was wet. His eyes were streaming tears, and all the work he'd spent trying to calm his breathing evaporated as pathetic hiccuping sounds came out of his throat, his chest heaving up and down.
"I c-can't-" he began, covering his eyes with his hands. He didn't want anyone to see him cry, even in the dark. "I can't t-take it anymore, it's too much, I'm s-sick of this-"
"Sick of what?" Kihyun asked calmly. It was as though he'd been replaced with a completely different person. Where was the Kihyun that despised him?
"Minhyuk," Hyungwon said suddenly. "I want to t-talk with Minhyuk." Minhyuk will understand. He'll make everything all right. He'll fix it. He'll fix me, right?
I want to be fixed.
"Sorry Wonnie but we're locked in for the night," Kihyun said. Hyungwon couldn't see it in the dark, but there was genuine sadness in his eyes.
"We're locked in?" Wonho said, shocked. "That's-"
"Stop saying shit about how it's not fair," Kihyun snapped. "This isn't about you. Tired? Upset? Then go back to sleep. You can resume complaining in the morning."
Wonho faltered, sputtering slightly, at a loss for words. "I'm not- this whole place is crazy! This kid almost died, there's cameras everywhere, we're locked in-"
"We're the crazy ones. Take us or leave us," Kihyun snapped.
There was a moment of silence before Wonho's footsteps could be heard as he padded over to his own bed, and his blanket rustled as he pulled it over himself.
***
Kihyun turned back to Hyungwon. He couldn't see him, but he could hear his panicked breathing. Kihyun eased himself onto Hyungwon's bed, sitting beside him, and the mattress dipped, accepting his weight. "I'm sorry, you can't see Minhyuk until the morning," Kihyun repeated softly. He could hear Hyungwon's soft cries. He wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with the boy, but it didn't matter to him. They were all broken. None of them wanted to cry alone in the dark.
"Is it all right if I'm here? Instead of Minhyuk?" Kihyun asked carefully. He'd seen how Hyungwon had reacted whenever they'd gone to touch him, and he didn't want to make Hyungwon worse than he already seemed to be.
"O-Okay," Hyungwon's voice came out, weak against the darkness.
"Is it all right if I touch you?" Kihyun asked. It was important for him to ask, to make Hyungwon feel like he had control over something when in reality he was absolutely helpless against whatever exactly it was that plagued him.
"Okay."
Kihyun reached out, fingers gentle, and when he felt the fabric of Hyungwon's shirt, he slid his hand up to Hyungwon's shoulder. Bringing his left hand up, he massaged Hyungwon's shoulders, not applying too much pressure, before he slowly drew Hyungwon closer in a hug, only he didn't let go, just held Hyungwon steady in his arms.
After a moment, Hyungwon started rocking back and forth, still crying softly and mumbling phrases that Kihyun knew Hyungwon and only Hyungwon would understand.
"I can't die again, I can't- I can't do it anymore," he choked out.
Kihyun didn't say that it would be okay because he didn't know if it would be okay. He didn't know why it wasn't okay in the first place. But his job was just to make sure that Hyungwon would make it through this minute, and then the next minute, and then the next one. He'd sensed from day one how fragile the taller boy was, and maybe that was why he'd been so mean to him. It was the reason behind kids pulling the wings off butterflies. With all fragile things comes the temptation to break them.
But Kihyun didn't want to break Hyungwon. Not anymore. Not even before, really. But he'd wanted to know exactly who Chae Hyungwon was, and as of that night, cradling Hyungwon in the dark, he knew.
He had finally met Chae Hyungwon.
And what's more, he liked him.
