Peter Parker & Tom Holland Imagines

beyond the lights pt.4

Two days to Opening Night

"You really need to talk to him, Y/N. There's no avoiding him forever, especially not like this." MJ whispers to me as we prep for another dress rehearsal. "I swear, if I have to hear Ned beg me to convince you to at least say anything more than a few words to Peter, I'm going to lose my mind."

I set down my shadow sponge with a heavy sigh. Because the problem is, I know I should be listening to MJ. Peter has been trying to talk to me ever since that weekend that he came over and got to know too much. I have been keeping him at arms length ever since despite how much it's clearly hurting us both. Every time he makes an effort to start a conversation outside of small talk and rehearsing, I shut him down.

"We both know I can't. It's been weeks. What am I even supposed to say to him?"

"How about you just try out being honest for once in your life? I mean, completely with no forced smiles or sugarcoating. Heck, even I don't know much beyond that." MJ retorts with a scoff that would seem bitter on anyone else, but it's half the reason we're such good friends—she doesn't care that I don't talk about myself or person things. "But whatever happened between you two can't be that bad if he's still so determined to talk to you. So just—try to give him a chance?"

"I'll think about it." I retort with the kind of tone that signals the end of this conversation. MJ just gives me the look as we continue putting on our makeup in complete silence. I can feel the looks coming from MJ and a few of the other girls. It's a mixture of curiosity, judgement, and disgust. Except, the worst one is coming from my own reflection.

Because the truth is, I hate myself more than ever. A part of me feels like I've ruined any chance of something good with Peter—all because I'm scared, because I don't know how to be completely real with someone. It's strange when you realize that no one has ever known the whole you. Each person just gets a sliver—a glimpse. Anything more and I run before they can get anything else.

Especially Peter, who saw the one thing I never talk about and is still trying to fight for a place in my life. It breaks my heart. It hurts so much more than watching as my family has fallen apart over these years, more than any harsh comment or taunt, more than any marks bullies can leave, and so much worse than everything else I've endured.

I force back tears as I finish off my makeup and secure my hair with more bobby pins as a distraction from the growing hole in my chest. Because if I let myself dwell on it, that black hole will open wider and swallow me whole.

Miss Tillman smiles as I leave the dressing room before the rest, fully clad in the wondrous costume. She presses her hands to her heart with a sigh and whispers. "My, you really do make a perfect Elysia. Go ahead and go sit on the stage, we have a few things to go over before we start."

I give her another empty smile, eternally thankful for the heavy stage makeup that keeps her from noticing the dark rings under my eyes. Instead, all she sees is the happy me that is a little less pretend when I'm here. Mostly because when I'm here, I get to be Elysia—a different girl with different problems that can be left behind at the end of rehearsals.

Except, as I enter Door 3 and look at the stage, my problems suddenly seem to resurface. Peter sits at the edge of the stage, eyes full of sadness as he stares down at his hands. Although, his brown eyes immediately flash up to me at the sound of my footsteps.

"Y/N, hi." He mumbles and looks me over from head to toe. "Um—how—how are you?"

"I'm doing alright." I tell him with a plastered on smile. "How are—how are you doing?"

There's a glimmer of hope that seems to fade form his eyes at the question, and his tone is a bit more abrasive as he replies, "Fine." He pauses for a long time, just looking out at the empty chairs that in a few days will be filled with people waiting for us to be two teenagers in love. "Are you every going to actually talk to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," He lets out a heavy sigh, and I can see the same signs of exhaustion appearing on myself reflected on him, "It just—we haven't really talked. In all honesty, it feels like you have been avoiding me every chance you get."

"I'm sorry." I whisper once again holding back tears.

"Why do you always say that? Even when something isn't your fault, you always apologize." He shakes his head with a heavy sigh. "You don't have to apologize. I just want us to be friends again, or at least to understand what happened to change that."

"If it's any consolation, it wasn't anything you did." I tell him with a sad smile. "It was just—" The rest of the explanation is cut off when some of our cast mates join us out on the stage. "Never mind."

Peter seems so helpless as we start to converse with the other cast mates. I offer him a smile that I hope he can find the pain and heartbreak that's hidden in it. Because there's nothing I want more than to tell him everything, yet the mere thought of doing so feels like staring your worst fear right in the eyes, like seeing your reflection and not knowing who you see.

I wish he could know all those things—the darkness I hide in every fake smile, how much it hurts somedays just to be, and how much it breaks my heart that I can't find the strength to put it into words for him. "I'm sorry." I mouth to him as Miss Tillman calls the meeting.

...

If I thought that avoiding Peter every single day, and—semi—pretending to be completely in love with him hurt, then I was wrong. This is what really hurts. We stand only a foot apart, holding each others hands, and I swear Peter is trying to kill me with his little improvisations that no one would ever see or know of beside me.

It's those small things that are killing me. The way he traces his thumb over my knuckles every chance he gets, of how he'll give my hand a gentle squeeze when he says a line that he means as more than Thomas. Especially like right now, when I see it clearly written in his eyes.

His voice is soft and tender as he recites the lines that could easily have been spoken by Peter off stage. "You act as though we haven't already endured so much. I doubt there is anything else we can face that can tear us apart now. All I ask is that you allow us the chance to truly have something."

"Thomas, you know it isn't that easy. There is so much more about the situation that you aren't aware of. I have secrets that I can't put into words, and if I could, I don't know that I would utter them to you for fear of things changing."

"But, my darling, change is not always a bad thing. It's a way for us to grow and become stronger together. If we never change, then we will never be anything more than these stolen moments."

Tears build in my eyes, except this time, they aren't for the play. Because this time, I feel Elysia's and my lives intersecting in a way that I don't know how to handle. It makes my head spin as I try to separate the two situations and solve one with the other. Although, the best I can do is to continue on like always.

I press a hand to Peter's cheek, tears now rolling down my cheeks. "I am sorry, my love, but these moments are too precious to me to risk losing." There's a flicker in his eyes—one that I recognize as him doing everything he can to stay in character—as he improvises and places his hand over my own. "I'm sorry. I-I have to go." I stutter before running off the stage—both to follow the script and my own need.

MJ is waiting for me in the small, attached green room. Her eyes are full of the same bitter understanding I'm sure only appeared after watching that scene. I wipe my eyes and struggle to breath as I avoid the stares of the rest of the cast.

Then, MJ does something that surprises me more than anything else she's ever done. She grabs my shoulder and tugs me into a tight hug. "It's gonna be okay." She whispers softly. Because in this moment, I think both of us realize the truth. I am breaking myself and my own heart just to save myself—and Peter.