Water // Matty Healy ♣ The 1975

21. stars

Sylvia was high, Matty was high, Charlie was high, Sylvia's boyfriend was high, several of Charlie's friends were high. 

Bryony, Tom and I were not high, but we were drunk. 

I was really drunk, and I was pretty sure I was the most sober person there, which was saying a lot. 

"Lizzy!" Matty almost purred happily as he dropped his head down so that it was resting on my lap. 

"Matty." I replied, stroking my way through his messy hair. 

"I love you so much, Lizzy. You're the most flawless person ever." he said, sitting up and pressing his lips against mine. I pulled back. 

"Shut up." I said. 

"Why?" he asked. 

"Because you don't know what you're talking about." 

Matty rested his hand on my thigh, tracing circles on my skin through Sylvia's fishnets that I had accidentally torn on the knee.  

I was a mess. 

"I'm going to get some air." I said quietly, not even sure if Matty was able to hear me but I guessed he didn't, because he never got up to follow me. 

I desperately needed to sober up. I felt awful, the worst I'd ever been. 

I opened the back door and walked outside into the crisp autumn air. 

Everything felt like it was turning around in circles and suddenly I felt something rise up into my throat.

My eyes widened as I rushed towards a plant pot with some dead bush potted neatly in it, and I was sick all over the poor, ill looking shrub. 

"Need some gum?" Matty asked me, I turned around and groaned. Of course he would have seen me. 

I wiped the corners of my mouth with my hand and took the piece of chewing gum from my boyfriend's hand. 

My boyfriend. 

My boyfriend. 

"Thanks." I said before I popped it into my mouth and began chewing on it. 

I felt my body kicking into action a little more and I relaxed. 

Matty smiled at me and I laughed. 

"If you can love me, you can love anything." I said, now staring up into the black sky. There were no stars, just what seemed to be eternal darkness, spreading out across the world, when if fact, it was just the pollution in that one city. 

It was just smoke that that one city provided, covering up the stars.

Because stars weren't important anymore, not like cars. 

"I miss the stars. They're the one thing  that I miss about home. The fact that I could stare out of my window, and they would be there, regardless. Well, y'know, not in the day, but it wasn't as bad in the day. It's the same with depression, lots of the time it truly kicks in at night, when you realise that you've wasted another day, you could have done something, but something was stopping you, something that you couldn't fucking stop was stopping you from getting along with your life. So at night you think 'Okay, I'll sort this out. I'll finish it up, everything will be fine tomorrow.' but it never is." I said quietly. 

He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. 

"But it's fine with you. Because I think all of the stars have been captured and some weirdo stuffed them all in your eyes, so you're blinded by those stars, and that's why you 'love' me. Because you can't see who I really am, what I really look like. But when i look at you, they're all there, in your fucking eyes, Matty. Then, for a minute, I'm still at home, but it's so much better." I rambled.