I Don't Want to Remember

Lauren

When she felt Camila's hand on her own, everything came to her all at once.
The harsh beatings, the cold hands that once slapped her face, the same hand who tore her favourite book, the hand that grope her hair and left her to tears. She begged a lot of times. But Camila never listened. She was hurt repeatedly by the hand that currently on top of her own. Unlike Camila's feeling, it doesn't give her that warmth feeling. Then it made her realise, what a monster Camila really is. With or without her memory. Camila is still Camila.

Lauren suddenly retracted her hand as she felt the tears clouded her sight. But before she loose it, she bid her goodbye.

"Sorry, I need to go."

Lauren hurriedly went outside and left a confuse Camila.

_______________________________

With her anxiety building up, Lauren felt like cutting herself again. She needed to feel something more that could masked out what she's feeling right now. It's better to feel the stung in her skin than to feel loss and belittled. She just cannot be in a room with Camila. But then she promised her parents no to. She promised herself not to. She promised.

In her room, in front of the mirror, Lauren held a metal blade waiting to touch her itching skin.

You promised. Lauren thought.

Lauren breathed in through her nose and out to her mouth. Doing a mental count as she do this. She tried to relax and think about her friends and family.

Don't do this Lauren.
You got this.

Lauren put one of her hands on her chest while eyeing the blade in the other. She gently close her eyes and take few more deep breaths. As she calms her beating heart she opened her eyes and put back the blade in the container.
She calmly put the other hand on top of the other to feel her heart.

I told you so. You can do this.

That's when Lauren broke down and cried.
Lauren never thought that crying is helpful until now. She felt freed, she felt like a massive weight was lifted out of her chest. This was different. This day was different.

She wiped down her tears and look again in the mirror and smiled.

"You are amazing." She mouthed to herself.

Lauren showered for an hour good. She took her favorite sweatshirt, a black skinny jeans, her pair of keds shoes and put her hair up in a nice clean bun. She texted Ally, Dinah and Normani if they wanted to hang out. The girls bombarded her with replies and 30 mins later Lauren heard their door bell rang.

"Laurennnnzaaaa!"
"Laur!"
"Jauregui!"

"Dinah! Ally.. Normani!

"Come on! Get in the car or we will kidnap you from your doorstep!" Dinah shouted from the driver's side while Ally open the door on the back seat for Lauren.

"Alright.. alright.. Mom I gotta go! Love yah!"
"Okay baby girl! Enjoy!"

Lauren entered the car and got funny smirks from the three girls.

"What!?"

"Baby girl!?" Normani asked.

"Well, I'm proud of being my Mom's baby you should too!" Lauren replied confidently.

"Let's get this girl out of her house!" Ally exclaimed.

Lauren felt so accepted being with the girls.
She never felt this happy for a long time. She knew that having friends will not make her problems disappear nor her anxieties. But she knew that this girls won't disappear when she needs to face her demons. There are things that you can not just do alone and it's nice to know that there are people who truly cares.

_______________________________

"Mom! I'm home.." Lauren shouted as she closed their front door.

"Good that you're back!"  Clara replied.

"It was nice outside mom.. the girls took me to this nice lake and- why are you smiling like that?"

"Nothing honey, I'm just happy you're going out now.. come on give me a hug!"

"I have good news too.." Clara added as she release her daughter from a warm right hug.

"What's that!?" Lauren relied happily.

"Sinu called, and she thinks Camila will be out of the hospital by the end of the week. She's a fighter."

"Oohh.. that's.. ummm.. that's good news.."  Lauren replied as she went to get a glass of water. Lauren's hands felt cold even before her hand touch the jar of cold water from the fridge.

"They wanted to have dinner with us hun, you should invite the girls.. it might help Camila to regain her memory by being with the people she used to be with.." 

"Yeah.." Lauren stayed still as she grip the handle of the fridge and she closed it. Her knuckles begin to turn white as she listen to Clara.

"Sinu will call us once they want to visit, she said Camila can't stop talking about you.. since you visited her.. she even asked your phone number while her mother is on phone with me.. I heard her in the background.. so I give Sinu your number.."

She still can't remember Lauren thought.

"Oh.. that's that's okay Mom.."

"Great, did you get any message from her yet?"

"Uhhh no, not yet." Lauren replied as she played with the glass of water in her hand.

Hopefully not ever. Lauren thought

"She might, anytime tonight.." Clara added without knowing what her daughter really felt about Camila.