Desired

18. Crushed

My stiff body is cushioned with a soft blanket. I stretch my legs and try to adjust myself to get more comfortable but the chair doesn't allow for more than one position. Opening my eyes, I glance around and I'm hit with the image of a motionless Haiden laying on the bed, and the events of the last twenty-four hours comes crashing down.

Haiden nearly died. Bo nearly died. My relationship with Zach is dead.

My insides clench up and a heaviness drops on me, instantly crushing me. Zach doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be with me, and there's nothing I can do about that. I gave him everything, offered my entire self. It wasn't enough.

I'm not enough.

Everything I thought was happening between us was fake. Last night was a lie. I can smell Zach on me, feel him on me. I want to wash him away yet at the same time, I'm not ready. I want to hold onto all I have left of Zach for a little longer.

Confused at the mess of thoughts, I wipe at the tears starting to roll down my cheek.

Carlos walks into the room and smiles at me sympathetically. Everyone must know and me and Zach. How many of those sympathetic looks am I'm going to get throughout the day?

Too many.

Carlos walks over to Haiden, checks the bag of blood hooked to her arm and turns to me. 'Ethel's called a meeting in the dining room, you should go.'

I nod and get up. Walking slowly along the hallway to the dining room, I have to force my heavy legs to move.

What am I going to do when I see Zach? How am I going to stop myself from begging him to take me back? I won't beg. I refuse, no matter how much I want to.

Standing outside the doors to the dining room, I debate whether I can do it or not. Can I face him? No. Can I not beg for him to try work things out with me? No. Should I go in? No.

'He's not in there.' Roman says from behind me.

I want to ask where Zach is? What is he doing? Is he upset? But they're all questions I'm not entitled to ask anymore.

I swallow hard. Tears prick my eyes and I really don't want to cry anymore, not in public anyway.

Roman opens the door and we both step into the dining room. People sit on chairs at tables, no food has been served. Through the window, the sun is rising bathing the room in a warm red glow. I've decided to ignore anything which could be perceived to be an omen.

Bo is sitting at a table with the Cas, Nate and Mercy. Raz and Faith are missing.

Faith's not missing, she's dead.

Bo waves me over and pulls out the chair next to him. The chair Zach normally sits in. I slump down and don't say a word. Around me, everyone looks serious. A few glance in mine and Bo's direction. Do they blame me for Faith's death? For Haiden almost dying? Do they even know?

I look around for Dolly. I want to talk to her about Klein and his people. I need to know more. I need to know how to keep myself safe. Doll isn't here.

Ethel stands in the middle of the room next to Roman. Their heads are bowed as they talk in low voices until she nods and he leaves. Ethel clears her throat and claps her hands. 'Please cover your children's ears if you don't want them to hear bad news.' She pauses but no one moves. 'Faith was killed last night.'

A melancholy atmosphere presses down on us; there are a few gasps, Cas curses and Mercy starts to cry.

'Faith was a relatively new member to our community but, I think we would all agree, in her short time here, she made a positive impact and she will be greatly missed. Her burning will be tonight at nightfall so dinner will be served an hour earlier to ensure we can all attend.' Ethel clasps her hands behind her back and her mouth tightens. 'The reason for Faith's murder is our agreement with one of the communities came to an end last night, and them killing Faith is a way of them reinforcing the idea that the agreement is no longer in place whilst also trying to instil fear in us. I'm here to tell you, you don't need to be scared but you do need to be vigilant. That means no one is to venture to the edges of the field, alone or unarmed. Do not go out at night to the toilet block, alone or unarmed. Do not venture beyond the fence. The number of people on patrol at one time will be increased but the length of the night shift will be cut in half so you can sleep and complete your daily duties. Those of us currently missing from this meeting are already on patrol and have been informed of Faith's death.'

A low murmur rumbles across the room. Ethel holds up her hand to silence the voices. 'This is temporary. I will endeavour to form a new agreement but not at the expense of any of our residents. My priority is everyone's safety.' Her gaze settles on me briefly before moving on. 'Check the board for revised day duties and patrol allocation for the week. If you have any further questions, please see me.'

People start to talk. Children run around. Nate wraps his arms around Mercy who is still crying. Cas crosses her arms and frowns. I look around helpless.

I don't want to feel helpless.

Since being tested on in the Techie settlement, I refuse to let myself ever feel helpless again. I jump up and stride over to Ethel, waiting for her to finish pacifying a young woman who is holding a small baby. Ethel pats the woman on her back before turning to me.

'Kit, how are you?' Ethel's sympathetic smile irritates me.

'I want to be put on patrol,' I say flatly.

Ethel looks surprised. 'Ok. You will only be allocated to patrol the perimeter of the building though. I don't want you to go to the fence alone. Understand?'

'Yes,' I say. 'Also, have you seen Doll anywhere?'

'No, I haven't seen her since last night's meeting which you left. We should talk more. You must have lots of questions.' Ethel inspects my face, possibly waiting for my breakdown.

She clearly doesn't know it's already happened. I'm completely broken.

Ethel gestures at Bo who walks over. 'Teach Kit how to use a gun. She'll be joining patrol from tomorrow.

'Ok.' Bo nods.

Ethel faces me. 'We don't have much ammunition so get decent quickly, and only shoot a person as an absolute last resort.'

'Would you have shot last night?' I ask.

'Absolutely. There's not many people in this world who deserve to die but Klein is definitely in the small group who do.' Ethel straightens up and swivels round to talk to someone else who has been waiting behind her and impatiently tapping their feet on the ground.

'Meet me by the back door. I'll be there in a few minutes,' Bo says and walks away.

I glance around and look for Zach without thinking. It's a habit. A habit which is going to be very hard to break.