Devotion [h.s]

293

"You won't know till you try." I reach out and place my hand on his that was on the table, him freezing his moving fingers that play with the bottom of the bottle. He just looked so sad and I wanted to fix it.

There was a silent pause before he finally turned his head to my direction and peered right into my eyes.

"I want to get high Amelia." He says in the most monotone state, features solid like rock.

I looked at his serious expression, not expect to hear that out of all things. What did he mean by high? Did he mean high high? Like narcotic high? Or was he referring to pot? The only information I know about Harry's drug past was the day I awoke from the coma and he confessed how he lost Briar because he was 'using' again. We never talked about it since.

"What do you mean, high?" I asked timidly for details.

"I want to snort a line of coke on this marble counter. I want to feel the burn in my nose and endure the numbness taking over my bloodstream." He says bluntly, explaining the details which made my stomach knot. He seemed so different all the sudden, not the soft gentle guy I've gotten to know these past while. He looked drained, dark like something flipped in him. We all have our darkest moments where things like pure smiles and eccentric laughters fade away. And this was his, he was in his darkest hour.

"W-why?" I whispered.

"Because I want the pain to go away." He confesses in a quiet tone.

"Why are you in pain?" I murmur.

We just kissed for the first time to my recollection a couple hours ago, and now he's in pain? Was it something I did?

"Because I love you so much." He starts, catching me off guard while he looked back at his hands on the counter rather then me. "I love you so much and I can't have you like I used to." He adds with despair in his voice, making me feel guilty.

"I— I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It's not your fault, this will never be your fault." He looks back at me in seriousness so I don't blame myself. "I understand you didn't ask to loose your memories or even to be in this position to begin with. But having you hear, has been the most bittersweet thing I've ever experienced." He whispers thoroughly. 

"How so?" I barely made a noise.

He freezes and sighs to himself, facing me now on the rotating chairs and grabbing my hand off my lap and keeping it between his large ones.

"I can look at you, I can talk to you, I can touch you, but I can't make you love me." He murmurs with his eye on like to the point it was so intimidating.

"I'm trying it's just har—"

"No, please don't try to justify this, none of what I'm saying is at your fault. I didn't even know how to love before I met you so don't think I'll be disappointed because you can't love me after only a small amount of time of knowing my existence. But this is so hard for me, as I can imagine it is for you. I feel pain when I see you walk around in your own pyjamas instead of my shirts, I feel pain when I watch you hesitate to hold your daughter, and I feel pain when I look into your eyes and see how they don't look at me like they used too. It's like you're physical body is here but the person I used to know on the inside isn't. And I still love you with everything I possibly have, but I just miss...you. That's why I want to get high, why I want to numb this pain I have deep within myself." He spills, my heart racing the entire time while his hand still held mine.