Horns // Billie Eilish

Nineteen

Alexis

4:52am

When I see the time displayed on my alarm clock I groan in  frustration and roll over in a fruitless attempt to find a more comfortable sleep position.

Yet another night where sleep just won't come.

I toss and turn for a while longer but eventually give up and get out of bed, quickly changing into some clothes I can run in.

It has been a week to the day since I killed Jonah, and I've barely slept a wink. I've been going out of my mind, seeing his face in crowds or every time I close my eyes. I'm constantly on edge, worried that someone in the gang will know what I did and come after me, or worse - come after someone I love.

For now, no one suspects I was involved. I've slipped under the radar for the most part, because Jonah was the only person keeping me involved in the gang in the first place. Javi came to ask me if I've heard from Jonah, and I just told him I haven't heard from him since I paid him back. He didn't blink twice and told me he'd keep me updated then left, and I haven't heard from anyone since.

That doesn't ease my mind at all though.

What if they find out? I'll be dead before I even know they know. The only thing that helps ease my anxiety is the fact that as far as I know, only Jonah knew about my feelings for Billie and how to use them against me. I doubt any of them even know I have a girlfriend. So at very least I know that if shit goes down, she won't get sucked in. Of course, that's not a guarantee. After all I'm still with her, so if things get ugly again I'll have to keep her at an arms length.

Fuck, why does everything have to be so complicated?

I put my earbuds in as I walk out of my house and shuffle my running playlist before I take off down the cracked, uneven sidewalk. I run hard, too hard, until my chest burns and my bad knee feels like it's going to snap under me. And then I keep running. I don't even think about where I'm going, I just go.

Running used to be my favorite way to clear my head, but it doesn't work anymore. I can't outrun the images of Jonah bleeding out on the dirty floor in front of me, while the gun I held was practically still smoking.

The blood.

Suddenly, I stop running and hunch over, my hands resting on knees while I take labored breaths and try to force the images out of my head. I have no idea how long I've been running for, but it's been at very least an hour and a half. And it's not working.

I bury my face in my hands as I keep trying to get air in my lungs to no avail, and I quickly realize it's not that I've been running so hard- I'm having another panic attack. I had my first one ever on the same night I pulled the trigger, and since then it's been close to a daily occurrence.

I try to focus on my breathing the way I read I should do online, but I can't focus on anything other than the images flashing in my head; Jonah's eyes when the bullet hit him, him falling to his knees, the blood- so much of it. My vision starts to get bright and blurred around the edges, and I try to blink it away but it only gets worse. My breathing gets more labored and I grasp at my phone, almost dropping it as I fiddle with the armband that's holding it because my hands are so shaky. I unlock it and scroll until I see Billie's name then press call, bringing it up to my ear with a shaky hand.

Please pick up.

"Hello?" she answers and if I had control of my breaths I would sigh in relief.

"Baby I can't-" I cut myself off as I try to take another shaky breath. "I can't breathe."

"Why? What's wrong?" she asks worriedly and I hear shuffling in the background.