Guide Me (Halren) **DISCONTINUED**

8.

Halsey

"I think I'm suicidal." I say finally. I feel Lauren grab a hold of my hand as it trembles in her grip. I had thought about this before, back on tour, but never long enough to consider it. Now, especially today, I'm feeling that way. Yesterday, I had forgotten all about it. I had a distraction. Camila was great to have over as company and I felt great last night but today, I just keep on reflecting on how much I've eaten over the past two days. The weight I've gained must be disgusting. I don't even want myself around anymore.

Lauren looks at me, a shocked expression on her face. It isn't all shock, there's a lot of concern there too. She doesn't know what to think and now I'm starting to regret telling her. She's only going to worry much more about me now and that's going to add on to her already weirdly gloomy day. I don't know what's going on in her mind that's got her like this. I kind of want to know just so I can make her feel better.

"But... You seemed so happy yesterday with Camila and I..." Lauren speaks.

No, she doesn't know what to think.

"I kind of was. Yesterday. Today, I'm not." I tell her, avoiding eye contact. I wonder if she's disappointed in me. I think I can here it in her voice. I don't want to look in her eyes because I feel like then I would find it.

"... are you sure?" She asks. I hold on tighter to her hand as my one leg bounces up and down. I can tell she's probably never known a suicidal person before.

I nod my head slightly but then rethink it.

"No. But, I just- I feel that way today and I have in the past, like on tour and before that. It can come along with depression which can come and go. In my case, it never really seems to go." I explain. When I don't get an answer, I take this time to glance at my girlfriend. I watch as she swallows hard, trying to process it. She looks worried which starts to worry me more.

"Sorry. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this." She says quietly. I sigh, sitting back against the couch.

"It makes sense, though. Doesn't it?" I frown.

"Ashley, come here." Lauren says softly as she ignores my question. I move closer to her, leaning my head on her chest. She holds me close, wrapping an arm around me as I play with her fingers on her lap. My body feels like jelly and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. The voices in my head are starting to snap at me for telling her and I just want to scream as loud as I can to block them out. I want to scream or I want to listen to Lauren's voice for as long as it takes to make these voices go away. Hearing her voice takes away all the bad thoughts and finally, I am able to relax.

"I'm so glad you decided to tell me about that. That was very brave of you and, I just want you to know that I'm neither ashamed or disappointed in you because of what you told me. You're still the same person I love so much. Maybe the reason why I'm shocked to hear about this is because I already know you're beautiful, you're smart and funny, you have such a kind heart, and you are everything I could ever want to have in a lover and more. So don't beat yourself up over this because I know that's what you're doing. There's no need to." Lauren comes to the rescue with her perfect speech which has me blushing the whole way through. By the end of it, I'm smiling, laying against her relaxed. I'm no longer trembling or shaking, I'm calm.

Lauren kisses me on the forehead softly, rubbing my back too. And now that I think about it, never have I been this intimate with a lover before. Of course, I've made out with other people and you know, at other times in my life, but it was never every day that I would get to cuddle up with them like Lauren and I do. It was not every day that I wanted to. I was always so insecure. I've never felt this comfortable around anybody other than my parents before.