Guide Me (Halren) **DISCONTINUED**

4.

Halsey's POV
It's now close to seven and Lauren's made me some toast with strawberry jam to eat. As she places it on the table in front of me, it's hard enough to even look at it. I haven't had a proper meal in days but I don't want my nightmare to become a reality. I don't want my girlfriend to be worrying about me so much. I know I need to at least try to eat. Even if it means putting on weight which brings more hate on me and I end up losing more fans... Lauren wouldn't want to be with me if I was fat? No, she wouldn't. What if I'm going to lose her either way?

"Ash?" I hear Lauren's voice so I look up to see her with a concerned look on her face. "You okay?" She asks me. I nod my head and turn my gaze back down to my plate again. About another minute goes by and when Lauren notices my struggle, she picks up a piece of toast.

"Mind if I take a piece for myself?" She asks, leaning further over the table in her seat.

"Go ahead..." I say quietly and watch her, a stationary small frown on my face. I know I said I'd do this. I can't not eat.

I think to barely an hour ago, when I told Lauren that I wanted to eat. How her eyes lit up was just the greatest thing to watch. She was proud of me for even thinking about eating. I want to see that light in her eyes again because it warms my heart so much. It's such a nice feeling. I want her to be proud of me for actually following through with my statement. I don't care anymore what happens. I'm going to eat.

I reach my hand up to the piece of toast, then taking a bite out of it. It tastes good... I guess. But something's still not sitting well with me.

I look up at Lauren again to see her smiling with a bite already taken out of her piece of toast. I don't smile back, I can't, but I want to. She's happy I'm eating which makes me happy... or it should...

"So, I didn't really have much planned for today but at least Dinah is going to be over later this morning. We haven't seen her since tour." She starts, saving my thoughts by taking the topic away from food. It helps and she's always there to the rescue.

"Yeah, I want to see her again." I say back, carrying on the conversation somewhat. I start to notice that after a minute, Lauren's smile started to fade. I gave her a questioning look and thankfully, she gave me and answer.

"Dinah has something serious to talk to us about."

"Oh." I bit my lip, surprisingly not realizing that I'm taking another bite of my toast. Lauren's good at taking my mind off things. "Is she okay?" I continued, earning a nod from the green eyed girl in front of me.

"Yeah, she's alright. She just needs our help with something." I could sense her beginning to get nervous slightly and it's starting to rub off on me. Only now, do I notice that my whole plate is cleaned off from the food I used to have on it. I ate all of that. At least it wasn't a whole meal. But it was still something and I'm supposed to be eating nothing. I can only imagine what it's going to do to me. I'm going to gain weight. Even a pound or two would make me look even more ugly.

I know I can't do what I've always done before for over the past six months. I can't purge. That wouldn't be what I actually wanted out of eating in the first place. I want to get better and make this easier on Lauren, right? That means purging is not the right choice.

But it just sits there in the pit of my stomach, adding to my ugliness, adding to my self consciousness, adding to my sense of failure and self hate. And once again, adding to the voices.

What are you doing eating?! You aren't skinny enough yet! You're fat!

They yell at me in my head yet it sounds so real and that scares me. I can't do much about them though. Not by myself at least. Maybe I could tell Lauren about them again and she could help somehow? But wouldn't that just make them worse? I do remember one of the nights when we were still on tour, the night just before I went on stage the next day with fifth harmony for their last show. I remember how Lauren taught me to fight against the voices.

Flashback
It was sometime in the evening after dinner and Lauren and I are laying in our bunk together. I haven't ate anything today but Lauren doesn't know that. She doesn't need to. The rest of the girls are watching a movie in the front of the bus. I said I was tired and Lauren just so happened to follow me. Here we are. My head, resting on her chest with her hands lightly petting my hair. I smile happily.

"Are you asleep Ash?" I hear Lauren ask. I simply shake my head 'no' and snuggle closer to her if that is even possible.

"Maybe I just wanted an excuse to cuddle..." I giggle and I can feel her grinning.

"Well, it's not like I mind. You're a great cuddler." She says. I smile and look up at her. Lauren looks back at me with a soft smile on her lips. She links our lips together for a moment before I end up smiling through the kiss and pretty much breaking the contact. I lay down again beside her, staring up at the bunk above us.

"Ashley, I have a question..." Lauren begins to speak so I turn my head to face her again. She looks at me, a curious expression on her face. "Will you let me touch your stomach?" She asks carefully.

I can't help feel the panic rise within me when I hear her ask that. A little part of me wants to let her but then there's the voices. They won't let me, will they?

Don't let her do it! Then she'll know how fat you are!

No. It doesn't seem like it.

I look away from Lauren and shake my head, not wanting to get more insults thrown at me by these voices. I close my eyes, hoping for them to go away but then, something unexpected happens. I feel a hand intertwine with mine and Lauren's warm breath on my neck.

"Ashley, don't listen to the voices. I know they're mean and won't go away but if you fight them off, soon they will go away." She says softly into my ear. "You're more than strong enough. Fight against them baby, don't let them get their way, okay?"

I finally open my eyes when I feel her playing with my fingers with her head on my shoulder. She looks up at me with hopeful eyes and yet the voices are yelling at me to say no, I say yes with a nod.

She gives me a small smile but I can see it in her eyes. She's proud of me for fighting against them. And it actually feels good for once.

I let her feel my stomach and watch as she does so, flinching slightly when her hand makes contact with my body. She glances up at me for a second, smiling, but when she gets a good feel of my stomach, she pulls me closer to her, tears clearly brimming her eyes. She's trying to hide it but I'm too confused to point it out. She's acting like I'll die any second.

To this day, I still don't fully understand why she was so worried. At least I got to see her be proud of me and I swear it's one of the best things to see. Now, all I need to do is fight against the voices in my head.

Lauren's proud of me for eating, and I tell myself that I'm proud of myself too.

I feel a hand grab mine and I look up to see Lauren standing in front of me. She's smiling the widest I've seen her smile in a long time. It makes me feel so good inside that I'm smiling back at her.

"Want to go to bed for another hour?" She asks me with a yawn and I agree, with one condition.

"As long as you're by my side."