Sophomore Year Journal

Symmetrical Sam.

(9/18/14)

My stomach is burning in hunger.. do I eat at lunch or force myself to suffer?

I need to be thinner so I can cut my hair.. I've been gaining weight lately from eating carelessly.

I'll be happier when I can be masculine.. Use those wraps FTM trans use on their chest.. start getting a nice rock body.. I'll have a chiseled face maybe too.

I'll be so much happier..

My head hurts too.. Everything hurts.. Something really small to get to through about 3 more hours and some odd minutes of school won't hurt me.

Did I tell you I fixed everything with Tyler? i've been happy about that lately. It means I'm getting my best friend back. He bought me a shirt, I know links don't work in here.. So I'll put it in the comments. I was happy as ever.. I want to do something nice for him but he's always so humble about everything..

Nice trait to have when you aren't annoying as ever with it.

People don't really know about how all my life I've felt like a male.. the term for my liking of girls even feels weird.. because I feel "straight."

Ugh -facedesk- I see the pastor tomorrow too.. This week has been a weird week. I had written on Monday, Pastor on Tuesday, No study hall or time Wednesday, now it's Thursday. It feels like the time didn't really pass that much.

I feel tired.. I don't know why I'm always so tired, it's even in my face. I should probably just wear makeup and the tired look will go away.

Eww makeup.. But I'm a guy. cx

I feel better saying that.. self acceptance is important.. This didn't all come about this week.. What came about this week was accepting the fact I feel this way.. Which is still a process.. And so is the process of hormonal treatments and whatever else..

I wonder if it'll really make me happier.. It means a lot of things if I become a male.

I can't have children.. and the worst part of being trans is that you don't ever get the actual PARTS to be a male.. And if there is surgery for that.. it probably won't look.. Right..

I've met cross dressers but never trans.. all the money behind that is crazy too.

This must be something I'm devoted too if I'm gonna accept this side of me.

-sighs-

I don't know, really. accepting yourself is the hardest thing you can do, and then being surrounded by a bunch of Christians makes it worse.

"YOU'RE SAYING GOD MADE A MISTAKE, YOU'RE A WOMAN AND HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SIN."

It's medical to feel this way. oh well. Christians will never believe science.

I am a Christian myself but.. Science.. Is a lot more helpful then people of my religion want to believe sometimes.

I wish I could talk TO someone about this sometimes.. Especially Tyler. I may loose him as a friend one day because I can't hold this in longer if I'm going through a period of self acceptance.

I feel like he would be the only person not to accept me (out of my friends)

I mean AJ doesn't matter that much but everyone else wouldn't care, I know it.

....

Like I said, this is harder.. And the whole acceptance.. Thing is harder than you can think.