Sophomore Year Journal

Better beware, I go bump in the night.

(4/27/15)

My last day of school is May 22nd. And honestly, I have mixed emotions.

Normally I can't wait for the year to end and how much I just LONG to get the world over with. How much I long to not worry about a single thing when it comes to school, religion, etc.

This time is different.. My friends are growing up.. AJ is becoming a fireman.. Tyler a math teacher at God knows what school.. I've depended on them for two years and now I REALLY have to get the f*ck up and learn how to be independent.. Learn how to relax and really just.. Grow with them essentially. I'm terrified of doing that. I want high school (in that sense) to last forever. I want my friends all here around me.

I also really wish I had a steady relationship. A really good one with someone too where I can lean on them too. I don't mind if it's a male or a female but what I do mind is how they treat me.

Most of my life was internet friends. *sigh* D: Now I finally get a taste of steady friendships and.. They're leaving me like a snap. It kinda feels like yesterday when I met Tyler.. But it feels long ago when I met AJ. Yet I don't feel like I've had enough time with AJ, but wish for more time with Tyler.

The only friend that hasn't grown and gone is Becca and I'm not exactly close with her. I don't usually tend to be close with females and it makes people look at me in question.. But I don't mind that. I have people in my own grade (Eddie) Who I am terrified of never seeing after high school as well. He's a carnie.. A show man.. He is also Becca's little brother. They're not talking right now though. Family issues.

I feel like everyone I'm actually close to at all is leaving (because of natural and maturing reasons) but everyone else I don't really have a relationship with is kind of just.. There to bug me. I don't know why I can't just be close with those people.. Maybe they're not of my nature at all? Idk. I don't really care either. I'm just sad my two favorite people are moving up in life.. And happy they are! You're growing old and becoming MEN! They're adults now with responsibilities in life! :D But it's still heartbreaking. I know AJ doesn't understand. He was raised so weirdly and views priorities and responsibility over emotion.. And Tyler is just overjoyed to get out of his hell of a household and move on to create a life for himself.

I honestly wonder how either of those two feel about this. I know Tyler is more excited than he is scared. I think AJ just views this as another step he has to take in life.. The poor separated boy.. What goes through his mind?

I don't really know how else to elaborate on that. I'll feel the same thing next year with Bill, Spencer, Chris, John.. Jesus they're all men. I just realized how not well rounded I really am with friends. They're all male, lol.

To say the least, I'm pretty terrified of the world and everything. :/ I don't like how big it is and all the opportunities of failure there are.. But isn't that every teenager? Isn't this just.. Normal maybe?