I'll Be Good

24

I wake up when it is still dark. Alex isn't in bed. I sit up straight and then he comes out of the bathroom.

'How are you?' I ask. I can't really see his face in the dark.

'Fine he says. I jusg took some painkillers and brushed my teeth. I felt bad for you having to put up with my bad breath,' he says. His voice is a lot clearer now. He gets into bed again. Without really thinking I move closer to him and wrap my arm around him. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and I trail with my fingers over his chest. He is soft. Eric is soft too, but there is muscle underneath. Alex is just soft. It is weird, but also comforting to be here. Am I betraying Eric? It feels like it, but I also know that this gu y definitely likes me. Eric is just one big question mark.

Alex takes my chin and brings my face up, so I face him. He brings his lips closer and presses them on mine. I break apart with closed eyes. He kisses me again amd this time I lean in with it. We change positions so I am on top of him. His hand is on my lower back to pull my closer. Our lips crash bavk together. I feel his heart beating fast underneath my fingers.

I lean back, pushing him away with my hand on the middle of his chest.

'I can't,' I say and I feel tears coming up. I wink them away.

'Why not?' He asks.

'Because... because I like someone else,' I say slowly.

'Really? And who is that?'

'It doesn't matter.'

I swing my leg to the side and get off him. I get out of bed and get my stuff, put my shoes and and just when I am about to leave he gets up and wraps his arms around me.

'I hope we can still be friends,' he says.

'Of course,' I say with a smile.

I leave.

-

It is only 3 in the morning and here I am wandering around the dauntless compound having no where to go. I could go to my apartment, but I... I don't know why, but it just feels weird to go there. I get to the dining hall (which is empty) and sit behind one of the tables. My head sinks to the table and I use my arms as a pillow. I hate my life. I hat how I make everything more difficult than it is. I could just go to Ross and Tori and sleep there, but something is holding me back. Maybe I miss the times where I could go to Eric when something was wrong. Maybe I am hoping that he will sit next to me and comfort me.

-

I wake up from people talking. I sit up straight and see that the dining hall is filling up with people. A lot of them give me a quick glance. I run a hand through my hair to make it a bit more flat and then take a muffin. I see George sitting with Trina, Ross and Tori. Why are they sitting together? Have they become friends who only are friends, so they can co on double dates? It makes me feel even more lonely. I look at the big clock on the wall of the dining hall. I have to go...

I grab my stuff and go to training.

Today in training we have to write an essey on what to change about initiation. We all first had to read a couple paragraphs about how initiation works, because a lot of them are older and have gone through the older version of initiation. I got through it easily.
When starting on my essay I realise that my ideas aren't going to be loved by the others. The last couple years they made it more competitive, which I don't want. I decide to write my ideas anyway. Maybe they like what I am going for. We have four hours to complete it and afterwards we had to discuss our ideas in pairs. I have to discuss it with a woman who looks thirty and seems to not like me because of my young age.

Another few hours pass and the day is over. Everyone grabs their stuff and puts it in their bag.

'Ellis,' I hear and my heart skips a beat. 'Stay after class,' Eric says. My heart is beating fast and I nod. We wait for everyone to leave.

We are alone. Alone after all this time of ignoring.

'There is this leadership dinner in Candor the day after tomorrow. Every leader and there staff has to come. Come with me to it.'

'Oh-okay,' I say.

-

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I have no idea what to do. I after I answered I left and headed to my apartment to find Tori there.

'Hi,' I say.

'Hello,' she says.

'I need your help,' I say a bit desperate.

'For what?' She laughs.

'I am going to this leadership dinner in candor the day after tomorrow and I need you to make me look good.'

She laughs loudly. 'Okay.' She gets up and starts pacing around the room. 'I need to start planning already. This is so much fun. Okay... okay... first off: you need a hair cut.'

'I know. It is so messy and can't be tamed anymore. I haven't had my hair done since I came here.'

'And when I first saw you, you didn't have curls right?'

'I wouldn't call my hair curly, but yeah it was completely straight. I think that it was because I used so much hair gel that my hair was ruined. Now I just let it do what it wants.'

'Okay, so I am going to cut your hair and we need to shop for dress clothes.'

'Yes, and please keep it simple.'

'Ohh I am not gonna keep it too simple. You will look awesome.'

'Where is Ross?' I ask then with a knot in my stomach.

'To the wall for the next week.'

'He didn't say bye...'

'He thought you were angry at him... at us. I told him that that's ridiculous.'

'No, I have a feeling everyone is mad at me. Well, at least George is mad at me.'

'Why?'

'Because of Eric.'

'I haven't seen you hang out with Eric for a while.'

'Yup... but I just try to ignore it.'

'Yes, lets get dinner.'

-

It is pizza day today and when it is pizza day the dining hall is even more crowded than normal. I love pizza. Tori and I sit together and eat from the same pizza, because we are small and can't fit a whole pizza in our stomach.

'And then this guy asked me to only shave the middle part of his head. I asked: "are you sure?" And he said that he never saw anyone with a haircut like that and wanted to be original, so I shaved the middle part of his head. When I was done he became angry at me, because the haircut made him look ungly, so in the end I had to shave his whole head,' Tori says laughing. I laugh too while taking another bite from my pizza. I look past my friend and see Eric. He is also eating pizza, but his has only cheese and sauce on it. We lock eyes for a second and then I look back at my plate.

'Everything OK?' Tori asks. I nod.

'I am just nervous,' I say. She winks at me.

'Don't worry. I am going to make you so handsome that you have all the confidence in the world.'

I laugh again.