I'll Be Good

37

I don't know how to feel about the fact that we both cheated on each other. I hate the picture of him with someone else, especially a girl (because I feel like he might want someone more feminine than I am), but I did the same thing to him. I stare at his sleeping figure. His chest calmly goes up and down. No piercing shine in the dark.

-

I wake up from a bad dream. My whole body is sweating and my hands are shaking. It wad a weird nightmare, because it was more like a memory. The moment that I killed the divergent played in my head. The only difference was that the people that I probably killed yesterday were there too. I couldn't see their faces, but that didn't make it any less horrible. I crawl closer to Eric.

'Is everything OK?' He asks.

'I had a nightmare,' I whisper.

'Me too,' he says softly and slowly. I put a hand on his chest and feel how his heart beats fast. It is darker than ever in the room. I sit up straight.

'What was it about?' I ask.

'I don't wanna talk about it,' he murmers.

'Please tell me.' My voice is soft. The wooden walls aren't sound proof at all and I can hear every toss and turn of the neighbours. He gets out of bed and starts walking around the room. His body seems so out of place in here. After walking around for a minute he stops and sits back down on the bed.

'You tell me first,' he says. I nod and change position. My fingers dig into my upper arms.

'I relived... in my dream... I killed everyone I probably have killed in real life,' I say. He stares at me. 'How? How do you live with blood on your hands? I... the first time already was horrible, but I had a lot of things going on that distracted me. Initiation... you. But now. I'm already with you... I-' his lips land on mine and for a second I forget everything. We break apart. 'OK, maybe you are still a distraction. That was really good, but your lips can't be stuck to mine. That would be weird.'

'I know,' he says. His hands reaches for mine and he takes my fingers to prevent me from hurting myself.

'How? How do you deal with it?' I ask and look up from our hands right into his eyes.

'I don't know,' he says. He starts smiling. 'Drinking,' he says than and the smile disapears. 'Maybe the bread here will help.' I snicker.

'Tell me about your nightmare,' I say then. He looks away. 'You can tell me.'

'I had to watch you doing it with that Matt guy,' he says.

'Really? You saw me and Matthew doing it?' I say slowly and so soft he might not even have heard me.

'It wasn't something I'd like to see. It made me wanna punch him.'

'But he is dead,' I say with a sting in my stomach.

'I know. It just makes me really angry.'

I nod.

'Can I ask you something?' He says then.

'Of course.'

'Did... did you think of me when you...'

'Oh yeah all the time. I felt -and still feel- fucking guilty.' He nods. 'Did you think of me?' I ask him.

'Yeah, I hated it with her.'

'Really? Why?'

'You really want to know?'

'Yeah, of course. I know -well I hope- you like it with me, so I would like to know what you hope, so i'll never do that.' He grins.

'Well... she was too dominant,' he says.