I'll Be Good

16

Ross, Tori and I are having breakfast together. It is weird to sit with them again. I am not sure if I missed it or not. However, right now I am just trying to enjoy the moment.

'I heard that today we have go through someone else's fear landscape,' Ross says with a mouth full of cereal.

'Do you think it will be Fours landscape?' Tori asks excited.

'He is a way too private guy,' I say. 'I think it's going to be a more extrovert person.'

'Hide the erudite,' Tori says jokingly.

-

Four and Eric enter the dining hall and walk over to the table where the other initiates are sitting. They say something, but I can't understand it. The initiates stand up. Then Four and Eric walk over to us.

'Follow us,' Four says. I try to make eye contact with Eric, but he doesn't even look at me. We get up and follow the two men through the compound. We go even more down and I didn't know that even was possible. We walk over rocks and I know we are close to the chasm. Four pushes a door open and we all follow him inside. The room lights up when we enter. The walls are covered with paint. People painted 'dauntless' in big red letters across the wall.

The dauntless born initiates are here too and we stand next to them. Lauren steps forward.

'The fear landscape is installed on mine. Everyone gets a fear assigned and will have to go through it,' Lauren says. I get scared. I don't want everyone see how bad I'll do. My arms are heavy and my mouth is dry. She names every fear and then walks past us while giving every one a fear. I get spiders. I don't like spiders, but I was never afraid of them. I am worried that after this I will hate spiders.

One by one the initiates go through a fear. Some really freak out, which makes their friends crack up. Others go through it really calmly, but, of course, we have no idea what's going on inside their head. We can only see them and not the fear.

And then it is my turn. I walk forward and Fours puts the needle on my neck and goes in. After a while the room around me starts changing and I am suddenly standing in the dormitory. I look around, not daring to move. Then from under the bed walks a tiny spider. Then another one and another one. Soon the floor around me is covered with spiders. I am sweating and breathing heavily. What am I supposed to do. They get closer. Crawling over and under each other. Their legs moving fast. The divergent thing to do is to make something appear out of nowhere to get rid of the spiders, like poison. But the dauntless way is to stay calm. Just keep breathing calmly. Jus stay calm. I feel the spiders crawling over my feet, my legs, hips stomach. I want to scream, but that won't keep me calm. I keep my eyes closed and try to think of something else. My brother, Ross, Tori... Eric. I open my eyes and I am back in the room with everyone else. I can still feel the spiders on me. I walk over to Ross and Tori.

'How did you that?' Ross asks.

'Just think of something else to stay calm,' I answer.

-

That afternoon Ross, Tori and I sit in the pit and play a card game with card Tori just bought from this vague shop around the corner. They had the funniest things in there, like creepy candy that looks like eyeballs and flasks with the cutest looking skulls. We play for hours, have some drinks and Tori flirts with this way older guy, which makes Ross look very sour. Not much later, she is making out with the guy. She is sixteen and he must be at least 25. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it turns me on. I have always been more attracted to older guys and maybe that's why I am so into Eric. Ross looks awe full.

'I'm gonna take off,' he says to me when he gets up from the ground. Tori is now making moaning sounds and Ross acts like he has to throw up. I get up too and follow Ross. We go to the part of the pit with the shops and we enter the one next to the weird shop where we got the playing cards.

'Wow, this one is even weirder,' Ross says.

There are a couple other people in here. I see some stuffed animals and walk over there. I see sharks, spiders (I shiver), wolfs and weird monsters. And then I see it. The most wonderful monster of the all. He is black, with a white skeleton like face and wearing a black and white striped shirt (which kind of reminds me of candor, but I don't care). He is amazing. I grab him from the shelf.

'Ross, look what I found,' I say when I turn around and hold him in front of me.

'Ellis, put that down,' he says.

'But look how cute he is!' I say kind of disappointed by his reaction.

'He is ugly,' he says.

'He is not,' I say softly and then I see Eric standing outside looking at me and the stuffed animal in my hands through the window wall of the shop. when we lock eyes he turns around and walks away.

-

Ross and I get a drink at this nice bar where more initiates get a drink. Tomorrow we have a day off to mentally prepare for the last part of initiation. Going through your own fear landscape isn't something I gave a lot of thought. But now my mind is thinking of every possible fear that might come forward. What I am the most scared of is me having like 50 fears and everyone else around 10. That would be so humiliating and I probably won't make it into dauntless like that. I heard the dauntless leaders watch how you are doing like Four did in part 2. I don't want Eric to know what my worst fear is. I really don't.

I order another beer and Ross gets us both a plate with fries.

'Oh good. They're here now too,' Ross says and scowls. I turn around to see where he was looking at and I see Tori with the older guy walking towards us. She is smiling and pulls him with her by hand. Tori sits down next to me and the guy on her other side with his hand on her upper leg.

'Hi,' I say, trying to stay positive for her, but not too much so Ross won't get angry at me.

'Hi,' Tori says. When the guy orders two beers, she leans towards my ear and whispers: 'John and I just had sex down at the chasm.'

'What?' I say maybe a bit too loud.

'What's up?' Ross asks me. Tori starts giggling.

I lean towards Ross. 'She told me that she is already drunk,' I lie. He shrugs with an attitude that says: 'of course'.

We drink and laugh and drink and laugh. It is a very fun night.

-

The three of us stumble upstairs to the dormitory. It is way past midnight. We enter the dorm. Tori runs to the bathroom and I hear her throw up. We are not the only one having a late night. A lot of beds are still empty. I change into my pyjamas and get into bed. I feel so weird and I am getting sick. I get up, run to the bathroom and throw up in the toilet. Afterwards I feel way better.