I'll Be Good

13

I wake up with a very stiff neck and back. I have only slept for about half an hour, sitting on a chair next to his bed with my head on his arm and holding his hand. I sit up straight and stare at him for a couple seconds. He still looks death, but his chest is calmly going up and down. I stand up, walk over to the couch and lie down.

-

'No, I am not taking a shower,' I hear Eric say. I open my eyes and see Eric sitting (shirtless! He is so fucking hot) on the edge of the bed barking at the nurse. The nurse obviously wants to wash him, which makes my stomach turn. I get off the couch. Eric gives me a quick glance before going on. 'I can shower when I get home.'

'We still have to do some tests. You can't go home yet.'

'For the last time: I-am-fine!
'Ellis go to training,' Eric says. I nod and leave.

On my way to the other initiates and Four my mind is only focussed on Eric. Does he like me as much as I like him? I like him... a lot. I don't like me, so why would he like me? I have changed a lot and I don't even know who I really am. Maybe he likes me, but that person is not really me! He is so beautiful too. His tin black hair that looks thick just because he has a lot of it, his grey eyes, long lashes, the couple freckles on his face and when he isn't shaven, the stubble. And don't even get me started on his chest. The chest hair that isn't too much to be gross, but is also enough to give off this masculine vibe. His firm packs and rounded shoulder. His stomach that isn't ripped, so he doesn't look like he could break me.

I push the door open and it seems like to others just got here, so I'm not late and I'll be fine. However, everyone is looking at me. I sit down next to Ross and Tori who look exactly the same as everyone else at me.

'What?' I whisper.

'Were did you go last night?' Ross asks.

'That was nothing. Why does everyone care so much?'

'We care because we think something is going on with you and it is no good.'

'No good? What do you mean by that?'

'Ross,' Four calls.

'We'll talk later,' Ross says.

I look over at Tori, but she avoids my eyes. I sigh and look at my shoes, trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

By the time Four calls my name almost everyone is gone. Four holds the door open for me. When the door closes I start talking.

'Why are these people staring at me, judging me? I didn't do anything wrong?' I say. I have no clue why I am saying this to Four. It is not like he is the most in touch with his feelings.

'What?' He says confused.

'I didn't do anything wrong. What is everyone thinking?'

He sighs. 'I am not the person to talk about this. Sit down so we can get this over with.'

-

My simulation was falling. Just falling and it was horrible. But now I am going down to the dining hall.
I grab a sandwich and eat it immediatly. I haven't eaten for a while, so my mind clears up when I am finished. Afterwards I knock on the door of the kitchen. A very big guy opens the door.

'Whut?' He asks.

'I am looking for Trina,' I say.

'She is there,' he says pointing to the back of the kitchen. I walk inside.

'Hey, what are you doing here?' Trina asks.

'I want to cook something for someone.'

'What? You think you are allowed to do that?'

'I thought maybe you could help.'

'What do you want to make?' She asks with a sigh.

'Soup?'

'Why and for whom?'

'For a friend... they got hurt in initiation and I thought they would feel better after... soup.'

'OK, I still have some tomato soup.' She hands me a bottle that feels hot.

'Thank you so much,' I say and she smiles.

-

I knock on Eric's door. De door opens with a swing.

'What?' Eric asks.

'I brought soup,' I say. He raises his eyebrows.

'Soup?'

'Yeah, soup. You are hurt and I thought that soup would make you feel better.'

'I'm not hurt,' he says grumpy and my stomach drops.

'But I just thought-' I begin. He rolls his eyes and makes a gesture with his hand to tell me to come in. I follow him inside and he takes the bottle from me and puts it on the kitchen counter.

'El?' He says suddenly. El? Did he really call me that?

'Yeah?' I say. He looks over at me.

'Could you take a look at my stomach?'

'Uhh- yeah... of course,' I say. We walk over to the couch and he takes his shirt off and lays down on the couch. My heart is beating very fast. I kneel down and take off the bandages.

'Clean bandages are in the box underneath the coffee table.'

'Okay.'

When the bandages are off a scar is revealed. There are a lot of scabs and black stuff, but other than that it looks fine. His skin is red around it.

'It seems fine. I think that when the scabs are gone you can put scar treatment on it,' I say. Eric doesn't say anything. He reaches out for my hand and holds it for a couple seconds. My heart is beating in my throat.

I grab the box with bandages and put new ones on the wound. Eric puts his shirt back on.

'You should go,' he says. My stomach drops.

'Okay,' I say.

-

I lay in bed. My friends haven't said a word to me for a couple days and I haven't felt this lonely in forever. Having friends is apparently not for me. I had a couple back in erudite, but those were mostly Ross's friends and he just brought me with him every time we all hung out. Now even Ross doesn't want to hang out with me. He was the last thing that connected me to erudite and now I have nothing left. Maybe that's good. Maybe I am now able to really become dauntless.

-

I wake up from a simulation. This one was bad. I had to kill my family and Ross and it really made me think. If I ever landed in this kind of simulation. Who would I kill? I think I would kill myself. My hands are shaking. Kill myself... The idea doesn't scare me and that is what makes me scared. I leave and go to the pit. It is almost afternoon, so the pit is pretty empty. I walk over to the chasm and sit down with my legs dangling over the edge and my head against the railing.

Ever since I killed that innocent man I feel like I have lost something and I just can't get it back. I just can't. I don't think I ever will and it haunts me. I start crying. First only tears come out and later my stomach fills up with self hatred. I bang my head against the railing. I dig my nails into my arms. I hate everything. Why am I like this? Why can't I just get over it?

No one will hear me over the roaring sound of the chasm. No one will notice my tiny little body sitting on the edge of the chasm. No one.