Learn To Be Real | KTH

Chapter 14

Looking around me, I let out a long slow breath as I continue trekking on. The feeling of the forest around me takes the edge off of things, but doesn't necessarily heal the damage that's been done. I'm not entirely sure that anything could or will. I don't know that it's possible.

As I reach finally reach the cliff that I'd been looking for, I mentally smile at the sight, not being able to force a real one at the moment. Feeling comforted by the nature surrounding me, I walk over to the edge of the cliff and sit down, looking around at the valley that it gives way too. It's a beautiful sight, really.

I just wish I were able to enjoy it more. Although, it's hard to enjoy much of anything right now. The only thing I enjoy anymore is being around Miyeon, but I don't want to keep bothering her everyday and end up making her get tired of me quicker.

I definitely want to see her more than ever now though. And not just because I could really use her comfort right now, considering she always knows just what to say and what to do. How to be there for me without keeping too far a distance or being too close about it. No, I need to see her now because I need to talk to her. I need to know her true intentions of what she wants with me. What she hopes to come of being around me or if it's nothing at all. If she plans on leaving me or...

That's the big thing right now, I guess. That's what I'm most worried about. I know she's been the only one lately who's actually seemed to want to be around me, but things can change in the blink of an eye and I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. Especially if I ended up getting blindsided by it. It'd absolutely destroy me.

Huffing quietly at the thought, I lay down on my back as my legs continue to dangle over the edge, now looking up at the sky.

I just don't understand where it all went wrong. Why everything deteriorated so quickly. Even just thinking back to a year ago compared to now, not to mention if we were to compare things now to how it was at the beginning, compared to how things were before I came here. I wouldn't say I was particularly the happiest back then, before I even auditioned. Though, I was certainly a hell of a lot happier than what I've been these last few months. Not that I'd be surprised if someone told the me back in high school pre-audition that I would end up like this now. It wouldn't be the most surprising thing in the world, but it'd definitely hurt.

And it hurts even more now, because honestly, I really miss the old me. The one who was content with how things were in high school, even if things weren't the best. Things can always be better, but it could've been a lot worse for me, and it wasn't. And right now, I'd give just about anything to have the old me back. To not have all the worries and stresses of what I have now.

Though, the worst part of it all is the boys. I can take Manager Nim shitting on me the way he's been. But it's not so easy handling the media. And it's nearly impossible when the people I used to be able to rely on, the people who supported me as much as I supported them, the people who used to be the reason why I smiled... It's hard to think that those same people are now the ones making it nearly impossible to survive. Making me never want to climb out of bed, wishing I wouldn't wake up one night after falling asleep. People I used to trust now being the ones that I'd never put my faith in ever again.

People who used to be my best friends, who are now the reason for my drowning, and refuse to notice it.

It's a deafening and drowning, a dangerous feeling of being so alone right now and having only one person to rely on. It honestly really scares me that Miyeon came into my life. Because, as much as I adore that beautiful and sweet girl, I know how these things work out. Hell, the boys are living proof of it. Of the fact that nothing good ever lasts, and that I'll be royally fucked if she leaves me. It's scary, because nothing good for me has ever lasted. It never stays good for long.

And it kills me to know that, between the boys, the media, and all of the hate, that I've slowly begun to grow and create a monster in my head. One that knows I'll never be able to fit in or be truly good enough for anyone. It kills me to know that it's a beast that Miyeon will undoubtedly end up trying to take down along with pulling me out of my shell and helping me feel fucking anything anymore.

It scares me because, it makes me wonder. Will she just end up leaving me at the end, too? Like everyone else?