WINTER. changlix, seungjin

[20] where you at

f e l i x

days turned into weeks.

weeks of me and changbin ignoring each other. it was almost as if it was a competition to see who could ignore each other the longest. we both went out of our ways to not see each other in the school hallways, or outside of school. i didn't want to ignore him, but he always acted like i wasn't there when i tried to talk to him and i felt stupid, feeling like i was the chasing after him. so i decided that two can play at this game – i'll ignore you too, see how that feels.

since me and changbin both had the same group of friends and we always hung out together, we also went out of our way to make stupid excuses as to why we couldn't hang out with our friends.

we usually didn't run into each other but sometimes luck was not on our sides, and we would awkwardly make eye contact and just nod in one another's direction then walk off. sometimes, we even talked to each other but the conversations usually didn't last more than 3 minutes and they were unbearably uncomfortable.

i hated it.

if i'm being honest, i truly do hate it. i don't want to ignore him and not talk to him but i've tried multiple times to say something to him but he always waves me off and says that he "doesn't feel like talking". i had no choice but to just do the same, and disregard him too. in a way, it was revenge. revenge for him paying no attention to me and giving me the cold shoulder. i hoped that it would eventually start to bug him that i was shrugging him off too, but he acted like he didn't care one bit.

i knew why he was pretending like i wasn't here. it was because that night at the party. when he was drunk out of his mind, carelessly admitted that he liked me, and even tried to kiss me. i cringed at the remembrance of that night. nothing good ever comes from parties, i thought, i should've stayed at home. but it happened, and i couldn't rewind time to prevent it.

weirdly, i was a tiny bit happy that changbin was ignoring my existence because that meant that i could have time to work out my feelings. i knew that i liked him, but i still felt conflicted with myself. i had just broken up with someone and now i already like another person. my best friend, at that. did i like him all along, even when i was dating hyunjin and i was just too ignorant to recognize my own feelings? it wouldn't surprise if that was the case. i was pretty dumb in the head, not just with academics, but when it came to love.

it took me a while to actually confess my feelings to hyunjin when i liked him because i was scared of rejection. but i don't know why i was so scared to tell changbin that i liked him. he said that he liked me, so shouldn't it be easy? i wouldn't get rejected, right? with changbin, though, it felt different. we have been friends for a long time and i didn't want to make things weird and ruin our friendship over something like this. apart of me felt like it was just his drunk self speaking or maybe he was playing a stupid joke on me because he knew all along that i had feelings for him. but i knew that probably wasn't likely.

i have accepted that he won't talk to me until he wants to, so i just wait for him to come to me.

it was the beginning of the week, monday, also know as the day where i want to die. because mondays are the start of the week and that means a whole damn week of getting up at 5:30 in the morning and going to school to do pointless work that i couldn't care less about. that's probably why i get bad grades, cause i never try hard in class, i think to myself. but i shake the thought off, cause i also don't have the motivation to try and get better grades.

all of us were sitting at the lunch table, in our regular spot. i stared blankly at my food, not eating it. i had no interest in digesting the cafeteria food. i have never trusted school food ever since that day in middle school were i got food poisoning because of it. you never know what those lunch ladies are doing back there in the kitchen...