WINTER. changlix, seungjin

[2] migraine

f e l i x

things with hyunjin didn't get any better.

i wasn't surprised, this was bound to happen. i tried not to be upset over this and carry on with my everyday life of him ignoring me. i usually use the method of not getting my hopes up in the first place so i won't be disappointed in the end. but this time, i found it hard to act like i didn't care and it wasn't affecting me. because it was indeed affecting me way more than i expected.

i would be lying if i said i didn't sometimes cry silently in my room at night wondering what was wrong with me. why wasn't i good enough for him anymore? what did i do? am i just worthless? these questions had been crowding in the back of mind for so long that i was starting to lose focus in school. it was like i was half there and half not. my friends even started to notice something was wrong with me and would often ask if i was okay.

i didn't feel like lying. so i usually didn't say anything. i think that was a good enough answer for them.

"felix?"

"felix???"

"HEY, FELIX!"

i snapped out of my trance, looking up at my friends. they were all staring at me so intensely that if looks could kill.. well i'd be dead. i silently cursed myself out. this was the about the fifth time i've zoned out today at school. everyone would start to get worried soon.

"uh..i'm sorry..i zoned out..what'd you say again?" i asked, slightly stumbling over my words, and avoiding eye contact with everyone, looking down at my untouched plate full of distasteful cafeteria food.

"i asked if you where gonna come over to my house to study after school." chan says, an annoyed tone to his voice. "everybody's coming over, are you?"

i could tell that i was getting on everybody's nerves, and they were finally getting tired of it after having to put up with it for weeks.

i scan over the faces of my friends slowly, them anticipating my answer even though they probably knew what it was. i hesitated, not wanting to annoy them further. "um.. i have something to do after school. sorry." i said, looking at no one in particular.

they all sighed loudly, and i closed my eyes, awaiting the lecture from them.

"okay, felix. we've all kept our mouths shut and not said anything for three weeks now but there's obviously something that's been bothering you. you've been slacking in your grades, you barely talk to us, you always have excuses for when any of us ask you to do anything, and you've become detached from everything lately. what's wrong?" minho spits out concerningly.

i bit my tongue so hard that im sure it drew blood. i look down at my food, wondering when the dismissal bell rings so i can escape this situation as fast as i can. i clench my fists, wanting for this to all be over, for me to go home and just sleep but i know deep down that my friends care way too deeply about me and they won't let me off easily this time.

i don't answer, silence is my answer. it seems to be my answer to a lot of things lately. everybody's eyes are glued to me, and i start to feel my breathing increase rapidly in fast paces. i close my eyes and curse my stupid self again. why did this have to happen at this time? i try to calm my breathing but it picks up even faster and i feel myself starting to lose my sense of reality. i reach out, grab for anything that can pull me out of this but all im met with darkness - the ever-growing realization that im going to be alone forever and no one is ever going to be there for me. i am worthless. i am just a toy somebody plays with and throws out when they are bored of me. no, im not a person. i'm an object. not a he, but an it. i am the reason that hyunjin doesn't like -

"felix!"

i hear someone calling my name. but they sound so far away.. why aren't they coming closer? is it because i'm a disgusting, useless thing. yes it is. you are. am i dead? or am i dying? it feels like all the happiness is being sucked out of me, and im left with nothing but darkness and despair.

"felix! FELIX!"

there's that voice again but it's closer this time. do they see me dying? are they helping? or are they just coming to laugh at my dead, lifeless self?

suddenly i feel hands on my shoulders, shaking me quickly. and im brought back to reality.

i open my eyes, and look around rapidly. im still in the school cafeteria, the light coming in through the windows. it's like nothing had even happened.

"felix??"

i look down, and am met with the face of jisung. he has been hands attached tightly onto my shoulders still, his eyes filled with panic. i silently scold myself. i probably look like a mess, my eyes red and watery. when these happened in public, i usually had time to go hide in a bathroom but it had all happened so suddenly.

"are you okay? minho was asking you a question one minute and the next you where breathing really loud and you started staring off to into space, crying and rocking back and forth." jisung says, finally letting go of my shoulders.

i didn't answer. i didn't look at any of my friends who where gathered around me. i didn't want to see their faces of horror after seeing that horrible side of me. i couldn't believe myself. couldn't i have tried to prevent it? i wanted to run away and scream, let it all out and i simply stared blankly at my friends as if nothing happened and said -

"i'm okay."

they all looked at me, clearly not believing a word i said. the youngest spoke up, "hey, you're obviously not okay. we're your friends, there's no reason to lie with us." he said reassuringly.

i wanted to say everything that was on my mind. i wanted to let it all out and scream and cry. i wanted to punch something. i wanted to destroy something. i felt trapped, hopeless but yet i didn't do anything.

i smile sadly. "really, i'm okay, guys. it's nothing."

silence settled over all of us. they seemed to all come to a silent agreement that they wouldn't push my further today. but they definitely wouldn't let me off the hook so easily anymore. they where my friends, and they knew when to let me have some space and not lecture me more.

jeongin changed the topic, we could always count on him to do that. he smiled and said, "but just promise that you'll come to study with all of us tonight, okay?"

i hesitated.

seungmin spoke up, knowing how to lure me in. "there will be pizza from your favorite restaurant there!"

i bit my lip, and smiled. i had lost this one. "fine, fine! i'll go."

they all cheered, making me laugh. at the perfect time, the dismissal bell rang and we all left the school together, our arms locked in one another.

i might not be sure of a lot of things in my life, but i was sure of one thing. i would never be truly lonely with great friends by my side.

A/N
migraine - twenty one pilots

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