Write Ups

It's for the best

My mother, she wants the best for us. She has high hopes, she wants us to achieve what she haven’t. She wants us to be equipped with learnings, she wants us to be ready for the future, she wants us to have a good future ahead for us. She says so many things, repeating them daily, saying she wants only the best for us.

We talked about something that’s been an issue long time ago, it never ended. I felt like I’ve been protecting something that I really don’t know if I should. Recently I somehow let go, I told the truth, even if she will get angry. Of course it is because I don’t like to lie to somebody. I said it, and as expected, she got angry not to me but to the situation. It’s always like that for a while now. Every week, I felt like I am crawling, barely coping up emotionally. I really get sad, aside from other issues I have with mom.

Then, a while ago… maybe it reached her limit, she said that she will really pursue what she wants me to take, to be, to do… something she thought that’s best for me. I really don’t know what to feel, great change…

Am I willing? Another question is that, am I ready? Can I do it? Aside from the doubts I have in me, I can’t help but think about what people will say. I just can’t get that out of my head ever since. And if it will push through, of course I have to make sacrifices, am I ready to give up those things that I have and those things that is important to me?

I said something a while ago, a fact which I have known long time ago, she acted like that was the first time she have heard something like that… I’ve said that long time ago, though I can’t blame her. No one is to be blamed. No one wants that to happen. I know. That’s the choice we’ve decided years ago, something in exchange for something. Then, I saw tears slowly forming in her eyes… it’s as if she can not believe it. I asked her what if… the thing that’s on my mind is… How far… or will she still be willing to continue even if it will take long? I think she will. Because she’s a mother who wants the best for her children. Even if the road’s going to be rough, she will. And maybe, what ever happens, I too should not give up. I must thrive to work hard. Yeah I will, I really will. It’s my goal to be better. Little by little. I will. They just don’t know it.. maybe.

I’m stil confused, I really don’t know… doubting, worried, scared. I am scared.

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PS: This is something personal, this is my thoughts, my feelings. If you know me personally, please don't say it to somebody else...