Winter's Widow

Chapter 130: Sparring and Regrets

"Natalia, you don't have to be a robot."

"I do, I do! It's my job James! And I'm acting like a pussy. Fucking disappointment."

"You're not a disappointment, Natalia. I couldn't be more proud of my little spider."

"I'm sorry for being a piece of shit. I can't help it I just-"

"You're not!"

"I'm sorry, I just don't want you to regret taking me!" I start full out sobbing.

"No, no, I don't regret you!"

"You will, and I don't want that to happen! I'm trying, I'm trying. I don't want you to leave me but I know you will-" I can barely force the words out.

"I don't regret keeping you, and I never could!" He lifts my chin up and wipes my tears.

"Please, please don't!" I turn my head away as the waterfall comes back.

"I won't! I couldn't regret you if I tried! Natalia I love you so much I could never hate you." He shakes his head.

"I don't want to be around the day you change your mind!" I sob.

"I won't! I love you! I don't regret keeping you! I don't! I love you!" He wipes the tears as they fall.

"I'm sorry!"

"Stop apologizing. You don't need to. You're not a disgrace or a disappointment. You're no burden, I love you. So much. You're my little ballerina."

"Now I'm crying and wasting your time. Christ."

"You're not wasting my time. Time spent with you is never wasted doll. I love you and you are not a burden."

"I don't deserve you, and I don't want you to leave me just because I was sparring again. I thought you weren't coming back for a while so I just-"

"No, I don't deserve you. I couldn't leave you if I wanted to. I love you too much. And, babydoll, there's a difference between sparring and beating the fuck out of each other for no reason." He chuckles a little at that last part.

"I'm sorry I just-"

"Stop. You're ok. Everything's ok. I'm not mad at you and I'm not leaving you. I don't regret you. You can be a little bit of a pain sometimes, but that doesn't mean I love you any less." He grabs my upper arms and rubs them soothingly.

"Then I'm still not good enough!" I cry.

"No, no, you are! You're more than I deserve! You're too good for me!"

"I'm trying to be perfect but I'm not! I don't know how! I don't know how to make you happy!"

"No, you are! You're perfect! You really are! You have a few flaws, but that's what make you perfect! Natalia I love you so much, everything you're saying is scaring me!" He lifts my chin and puts his hand on my arm again.

"...So- so you don't regret me?" I murmur.

"I could never, I love you too much."

"Even though I'm acting like a big pussy?" I smile faintly.

"You're acting pretty brave right now, crying in front of me." He smiles lightly back.

My crying slows down.

"There we go. I don't want to hear another apology out of your mouth, understand?"

"Ok..." I whimper.

"Ok. See? You're feeling better already."

"A little..." I stare down at my lap in shame.

"You're shaking."

"A little..."

"...You ok sweetheart?"

"...'Course..."

"You're still sad, aren't you?"

"How could I be? You're being so nice to me after I pulled that bullshit..."

"You didn't pull any bullshit Natalia. I simply walked you through emotions you've been bottling up."

"Exactly. I just did something you specifically told me not to do. You're way outta my league..." I mumble.

"That was a long time ago, in the red room. You can talk to me. Always. Remember that. Ignore what I said back then. I want to hear you. I don't give half a fuck if it's 3 in the god damn morning, come here and wake me up. I'll listen 'till dawn, and then some."

"I really don't deserve you."

He sits next to me on the bed.

"No, I don't deserve you." He says as he lifts me onto his lap.

He wraps his arms around me tightly and I lay my head against his shoulder. His breathing is very balanced and rhythmic. It amazes me how he's always warm. It's rather perfect, because I'm usually cold. He's just such a comfortable person. Even the metal arm gives me a sense of security.

"James." I speak in a soft tone.

"Little one?"

"I'm tired." I whisper.

After a moment or two, he drags me back with him up the bed. He lays us down and throws a blanket over us. His arms wrap around me and I press my face into his neck.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

"You fixed me. I owe you my all, pretty thing. Let me repay you."