Steve's Diary

January 30, 1936

He leaves over to the fire and lit the first one. "C'mere, Steve. Find a place for this..." he handed it to me and I placed it on the table as he lit the other two. I sat back down in front of the fire so I could feel the heat on my face and forget about yesterday's series of unfortunate events. I mean, he practically ignored me and is now acting as if it's all okay.

It's not.

He got some food for us from the pantry and we devoured it before the fire. It was nothing special, just a couple hot dogs left over from the weeks previous... we had cooked them on the fire.

After, we just sat there for a while and stared into the fire. I wondered whether I should say something or not. He was being weird for the past few weeks and I wanted so badly to know what was going on in his brain but... I can't. Well, at least not without asking him.

"Bucky?" I asked quietly.

"Hmm?" He replied, never looking away from the fire.

"Look at me," I touched his shoulder and he turned his head. His eyes looked almost concerned. "What's going on?" I asked, finally.

"What d'you mean?" He replied, making it obvious in the sound of his voice that he already knew exactly what I meant. The bastard just wanted to hear me say it.

"You've been... I dunno, weird lately," I answered flatly.

"How?"

"Like that. One word answers if anything at all. Not striking up a conversation about literally anything, ever. Ignoring me when we're together, even. I can tell that you're acting like you're a million miles away from our so called conversations because of the look in your eyes," he looked at me blankly. It was like he was confused or something. "You're there, I can see you. I always can. You're sitting behind one way glass and you're hiding what you're really feeling to get a rise outta me," I felt my cheeks flush a deep red as the tips of my fingers and ears went hot. "I don't think you realize how alone that makes me feel. I was by myself in this world before and just the thought of that feeling again.... I don't think I- shit," a tear fell down my face. I felt more coming and I couldn't stop them.

My cheeks were dripping as I hid my head in my hands in an attempt to hide my ugly-cry face from Bucky.

"C'mere..." he pulled my shoulder in with his hand and hugged me. I could feel his button up shirt getting wet below my eyes but he never stopped hugging me, not for one second.

When I stopped crying (finally), he pulled me away for a moment. "You alright?... no. You know what? No. This wasn't right," he paused.

"What wasn't right?" I questioned, sniffling a little bit.

"This. It was a test... uhh, of sorts. You see, I was tryna see if you would, er, initiate for once. When you didn't, I guess I got a little desensitized to ya, that's all. It kinda got outta hand," he stopped. A sympathy smile plopped itself onto his face. "I never meant for any of this, Steve. Really," I believed him. He was so real right now that his eyes seemed to get red and glassy. "I'm sorry."

I smiled. "It's alright...." I paused and looked into the dwindling golden flame. I glanced back over at him to see that he was still looking at me. I saw his look waver... he must have seen that little glitch in my eye, that spark.

I pushed him over and straddled his waist, holding his arms above his head and planting a short, yet lustful kiss on his soft, pink lips. "That count as taking initiative?" I asked, slyly, pushing away my fears and finally mustering up the courage to swallow the lump in my throat.