12 Days of Phan // Oneshots

Eight Maids a Milking

In which it is 2012, and Dan experiences a mental breakdown when it all gets too much.

Content Warnings: panic attack, despair, homophobia

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Dan's POV

Are you dating?

Marry each other already!

Phan is real - I have proof!

They're so gay for each other.

It's so obvious they're dating what do they think they're hiding?

They aren't ever going to come out.

They're queer baiting.

The comments swirled around my head, hitting me in the face, grasping my throat and taking away my breath.

My fingers raked through my fringe... which was more like a quiff at this point - it was so messy but I didn't care.

I just wanted it all to stop.

It was too much - constant, incessant accusations that led to nothing.

I didn't want to lie. I wanted to be open about my sexuality - but I saw all the hateful, homophobic comments I received each day on my videos. It made me feel sick to think that so many people were out there with views against the lgbt community.

I didn't want to give them more material.

I couldn't cope with what they said based alone on my speech and actions.

I'd tried acting straight.

I'd tried acting butch, macho, manly.

But none of it worked.

The comments were always there.

Waiting.

I let out a loud scream from my throat that I'd been holding in for too long.

It came out croaky, pain stricken and shaky.

My head crashed against my pillow as tears streamed down my face, soaking the fabric.

I let go of everything.

All my barriers.

I couldn't keep them up anymore.

More screams ripped from my mouth as I felt myself breaking apart like glass.

I couldn't do this anymore.

I never asked for this.

I made videos to help others, but in the process I was being torn apart.

I was lying in a puddle of my own tears when I felt a pair of arms lift me up from my despair.

"You're okay. Don't cry. It'll be fine. Nothing's bad forever."

"F-fuck Phil did I wake you? It's like 4 in the morning."

He smiled softly, a sad smile, wrapping his arms around me and leaning his chin on my head as he cradled me.

"Dan, I would go sleepless nights just to make you feel less alone."