Body of Roses - l.h.

.07

I pushed through the front door without stopping to even let Luca know that I was back home. It was almost 2 by the time I stepped foot inside the house and the only thing I wanted to do was hide myself away in my room and never come out again. I didn't know if I wanted to punch something or just cry until my body over exhausted itself.

As I made my way down the hall to my bedroom a voice stopped me. "Hey, hon." I turned to see my mom coming out of my parents bedroom. From all the commotion of this morning, the thought of my parents returning back home from their trip to Europe must have slipped my mind.

My mom took in my tense posture and anxious eyes, moving closer to me and bringing me into a hug, "What's wrong, Nory?" She asked using the nickname she gave me when I was just a kid. I felt myself come completely undone in her arms. My mom was the most caring and heartfelt person you could ever meet and Luca was lucky enough to inherit that, unlike me getting my dad's hard stare not knowing when to have a good time and let loose.

Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes trailing their way down my cheek and into my mouth. I hiccuped on each breath I inhaled while my body lightly shook as I exhaled. My mom didn't let her grip fall loose around me, continuing to hold me for as long as I need her for.

Every moment of the conversation I had with Luke today came playing back in my brain. I remembered his cold tone, his pained eyes and the way he told me that we couldn't see each other anymore.

There had to be a mistake somewhere, this couldn't be happening. It didn't feel real then again nothing felt real anymore.

"I'm so lost, mom." I voice wavered as I whispered it quietly into the crock of her neck. "So lost."

-

I never did tell my mom about Luke, at least not now. I know what she'd say telling me he wasn't worth my time especially after what he did to Luca. But it didn't matter what anyone said because there was something about that boy that made me feel every single emotion and I didn't know if it was a good or bad thing.

I sat on the edge of my bed staring at the razor on my dresser. Since the party 2 weeks ago I haven't made any move to cut feeling as though it would break some unspoken promise between Luke and I.

But I guess it didn't matter anymore.

I pushed myself up off my bed and moved to pick up the blade. Studying it, I traced my finger tip lightly over the sharp edge careful not to prick myself. This time my brain didn't have an inner argument with itself as if it knew that this was the only option I had.

Slowly, my hand brought the blade down to my wrist over the scars of previous cuts. It pierced my skin deeper than any other cut I've made causing a loud gasp slip from my mouth that I muffled at the end by biting my lips together.

I watched numbly as the crimson coloured liquid poured from the slice in my arm. I wondered if this was what watching your own death would be like, numbness; feeling nothing. It was like I was just an object in the world that had no soul purpose.

My eyes caught on the picture of Nicole and I that Luke looked at the night of the party. Moving towards it, I picked the frame up and studied it though no thoughts or feelings pulsed through my body as I took the photo in. I only saw two happy girls, girls I didn't even recognize anymore.

I've never seen you smile like that.

His voice played over and over again in my head. Of course he'd never seen me smile like that before because a complete jerk like him had no right to make me happy.

Then I threw the photo against my wall, cracking the frame. I let out a scream that was louder than I intended it to be but I could care less. My eyes landed on my desk that still had binders on it from last year.

I walked across my room to the desk in three strides and swiped my arms across the surface knocking everything off. I let out another screaming destroying more of my room.

I didn't notice my mom's presence until I felt her gentle arms wrapping firmly around my small body causing me to struggle against her. My body gave up slumping against her petite frame that I leaned back into to balance myself.

The tears coming from my eyes were nonstop and my hair felt like it was a birds nest. I felt her hand rubbing soothing circles into my back and she whispered a long 'Shh' in my ear.

"I hate, Luke." I told her though it was more of a confession to myself.

"Eleanor, Luke isn't worth getting this upset about." She gently told me thinking that I was talking about how he hurt Luca but I only shook my head at my mom.

"You don't understand." I began. "I hate him because I love him."

And now he was gone.