Destined

Chapter 24

The first time I ever looked sideways at a boy, I was ten. His name was Joshua, and he was the son of one of the lords. I didn't know anything about love at the time, but I knew that Joshua was pretty and I enjoyed looking at him. I asked Michael what he thought once, and as soon as he realized what was happening, he took me straight to Father. Father was furious, he yelled and yelled and yelled until I started crying, at which point he was so digusted with me that he sent me away. I went straight to my mother, still crying, and asked her what I could possibly have done to make Father so mad. My mother then gave me the story about how royal families must continue and I had to marry a woman so that I could have kids and our family would never die out. That was my first memory of not wanting to be a part of my family.

I'd tried not to think about guys like that ever again, but suddenly there I was, sitting in my room at the Winchester castle, head spinning after being kissed by Dean Winchester himself. I'd only been in my room for a few minutes when someone knocked on the door. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but I also didn't want to be rude, so I opened the door. It was Hannah, and she looked worried.

"Hannah? What's wrong?" I asked as she came into my room. Hannah began pacing across the floor and wringing her hands.

"I don't know. I... Castiel, I'm scared, I just... I don't know what got into me," Hannah said. I watched her pacing, thoughts of Dean being pushed from my mind.

"Hannah, what happened? Did you do something?" I asked. Hannah paused, looked at me, then resumed her pacing.

"While you were unconcious... Charlie and I were talking, I mean she was comforting me, and - oh my god, Castiel I kissed her. I think I'm in love with Charlie, Castiel." Hannah began to cry and she collapsed into a chair. I hurried over to her, shocked. Hannah loved Charlie too?

"What happened after you kissed her?" I asked, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly.

"I r-ran. I realized what I was d-doing, and what this m-m-meant. Oh Castiel, I've r-ruined everything, h-h-haven't I?" I kneeled in front of Hannah and took her hand.

"Hannah, it's going to be okay. We'll figure this out," I said. Hannah looked at me, hiccuping her sobs back.

"You're o-okay with this?" She asked. I nodded.

"B-but she's a w-woman." I smiled at Hannah.

"She's an amazing woman that cares for you deeply. Besides, I wouldn't be the one to judge you. Do you remember Joshua?" I asked. Hannah nodded.

"I'm... I'm pretty sure I was in love with him. As much as I could have been," I said. Hannah's hiccuping breaths abruptly stopped.

"You... You're... Oh, Castiel. Oh why are we like this? I want to do what's expected of me." Hannah began crying again. "I want to make Father proud. Why couldn't I have been a good child?" Hannah began wringing her hands again.

"Hannah, of course you're a good child. This isn't your fault," I said. "If you love Charlie, then that's that, and we'll figure out what to do about it. Have you talked to Charlie since?" Hannah shook her head.

"You should. She's probably worried about you," I said, standing up and pulling Hannah up with me. "We'll figure this out, okay Hannah? It will all be okay." Hannah nodded and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back, wrapping my wings around her and holding her close to me. We stood that way for a few minutes before she let me go.

"Now go find Charlie. She'll be worried," I said. Hannah smiled at me as she turned to go.

"Thank you," she said before she closed the door. I smiled at her, but as the door closed the smile slid off my face. I wasn't the only one. Dear god this whole thing was a shitstorm. No one was in love with who they were supposed to be, and I couldn't think of a bigger mess. And I still didn't even know how I felt. And did it matter? There was no way that our families would allow Hannah and Dean to cancel the wedding, especially this close to the date itself. So what did it matter if I loved Dean? There was nothing I could do about it.

My stomach twisted and I sank into a chair.

I couldn't love Dean. It wasn't allowed. With Mother gone, and after losing most of the use of my wings, I couldn't allow myself to mess up. No romance was more hopeless than Hannah's or Dean's, so I would do well to put it out of my mind.

But he wouldn't leave. Dean and any feelings I had for him were there to stay. I buried my face in my hands, then slammed them onto the arms of my chair. I stood up quickly and headed out of my room for the training ground, palms stinging.

***

As soon as I came into view of the training ground, I realized that I'd made a mistake. Dean was there. He was going after one of the dummies as if it had killed his family, and he looked like he'd been there for a while. I stopped a few feet away from him, wanting to turn around but not knowing where else to go.

Dean swung his sword so hard at the dummy that it got stuck and pulled out of his hands. Dean swore and punched the dummy, rubbing his hand as he turned around. He froze when he saw me.

"Cas."

I walked past Dean and pulled his sword out of the dummy before handing it to him. He took it wordlessly, watching me closely, clearly afraid of what I might have come to say. We stood there for a moment of silence before I spoke.

"Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't we just... Why couldn't you..." I felt anger boiling up within me. Anger at myself, at Dean, at this whole situation. "Why couldn't we love women? Why couldn't you let me be? God, Hannah and I were happy. And you- you just- god, I wish we'd never met you! You're ruining everything!" Tears began to fill my eyes. Dean watched me, taking the abuse in silence. "I tried so hard! I tried for everyone! I wanted to make my father proud, and it was working! It was working before you, you- you- you son of a bitch! How could you just- god dammit, why did I have to find out? Can't you keep your feelings to yourself at all? Or is that too much work for you? You just can't bother to try to make anyone else happy, can you? You son of a bitch!" I was weeping now, and Dean's eyes were glistening as well. I realized as soon as I stopped for breath that I had crossed a line. None of this was Dean's fault.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I... I tried. I'll... I'll leave you alone," Dean said quietly, turning to go.

"Wait." Dean stopped, but didn't look back. "Dean, I'm the one that's sorry. This isn't you fault, and I shouldn't have said those things. I'm just angry that this had to happen. I just wish we could have been peasants so no one would care about our stupid bloodlines continuing."

"You... You sound like you know," Dean said, still not turning around.

Different like... Do you...

I... I don't know.

"I do."

Cas, do you love me?

"And?"

"I do."