Destined

Chapter 23

  My head was reeling. Dean's in love with... Me? Every time I tried to comprehend it, it became more confusing. Surely Meg must be wrong. I began walking, unsure of where I was going, the pain in my wing forgotten. How was I supposed to process this? And dear god, what was I supposed to do about it? I couldn't in good conciousness let Hannah marry Dean now... Could I? My wings fluttered in agitation.

  Eventually I found myself in the library, and I was trying to figure out if I could actually focus enough to read when I noticied Sam sitting at a table across the room. If there was anyone I could talk to, it would be him.

  "Sam," I called, walking over to him. Sam looked up and smiled at me.

  "Hey Cas. I take it you're feeling better?" I nodded.

  "Yes, I feel fine. But... Sam, can I talk to you about something?" I asked, my wings fluttering despite my efforts. Sam shut his book and gestured to the chair across from him solemnly.

  "Of course," he said. I sat down, a pit forming in my stomach.

  "Is... Sam, can you promise me not to speak of this to anyone else?" Sam's forehead crinkled in worry.

  "Yeah, I promise." I shifted in my seat.

  "Is Dean in love with me?" I blurted. Sam went still and his eyes darted away from mine.

  "Is he?" I asked again.

  "Cas, I don't know if he-"

  "I have a right to know. After everything, I have a right to this. So tell me," I demanded. I couldn't tell where my sudden boldness had come from, but it seemed to be working. Sam took a deep breath.

  "Yes. Dean loves you. He has for a while now. But Cas, please - don't get mad at him. This is hard enough on him already, okay? He knows he can't have you, so just don't beat him up about it. Okay?" Sam pleaded. A pit settled in my stomach.

  "Okay. But I can't just let this go. I have to talk to him about it," I told Sam. Sam sighed.

  "If I could give you some advice... Don't talk to him about it at all. Adressing it won't help. He'll get over it in time. And this doesn't compromise our deal, I hope you know that," he said. I stood up.

  "I know. Thank you for telling me," I said. Sam nodded and I nodded back before walking out of the library and, despite Sam's advice, straight to Dean's door. I had to talk about this with Dean, and that was that. I had to figure out what this meant for Hannah and him. And what it means for us.

***

  I knocked on Dean's door with no plans, and when he opened it I realized what a mistake that was.

  "Yeah? Do you need something?" Dean asked, looking at me with eyes that... God, how did I not see it before? His eyes were practically glowing.

  "Dean, I... I need to talk to you," I said, willing my voice to remain strong. Was I really about to confront Dean about this? Dean stood aside and I walked into his room, reaching the middle and turning around sharply. My wings flattened against my back, squeezing closer to me in my nervousness.

  "What is it?" Dean asked, closing the door and turning to face me. I took a deep breath. How was I going to bring this up? I should have thought more about this. And I couldn't think now. I couldn't focus, and Dean was waiting, he was waiting and he was watching me with those eyes, those eyes. I loved those eyes.

  "Cas, are you okay?" Dean asked.

  "I... Meg said... Dean, the person you're in love with..." Dean stiffened and he looked guarded where before he'd been welcoming. "It's me."

  There was silence. Dean walked to a chair that sat in front of the fireplace and grppied the back of it, his head hanging.

  "Please don't be mad," Dean said, his voice low. "I know it isn't alright, but I can't... I can't help it. I tried, but I couldn't... I couldn't make myself..." I stepped forward and put my hand on his shoulder. Dean stiffened.

  "I'm not mad, Dean. It isn't your fault. I just... I wish it could've been different," I said. Dean looked up at me.

  "Different like... Do you..." I saw the question in his eyes and my hand fell from his shoulder.

  "I... I don't know." Dean straightened, looking me in the eyes, the two of us uncomfortably close now. My breathing turned shallow and my wings fluttered behind me.

  "Cas, do you love me?" Dean asked, his voice quiet, almost as if he didn't want me to hear.

  My heart stopped.

  I loved Meg.

  Right?

  Dean was watching me.

  His face was calm, but his eyes were full of fire. I felt like his gaze was scorching me.

  "Dean..." I whispered. Dean reached up, grabbed me by the back of the neck, and kissed me, gently but firmly.

  My wings flared out behind me, one of them knocking something off of the table behind me. I pulled away from Dean, my eyes wide. Dean watched me, his face falling.

  "I'm sorry, I didn't-" I shook my head, silencing him.

  "I... I need to think about this," I said, rushing past Dean and out of the room, my head spinning. What the fuck was happening? Dean Winchester really just kissed me. And I didn't hate it.