Destined

Chapter 8

I don't know how long I sat in my room, gripping the arms of my chair, trying to control my breathing. I seemed unable to shake my panic, fueled as it was by my fear that Dean would come find me and start asking more questions. I couldn't take that, I couldn't relive that, I'd been fighting for so long to forget. At one point I tried to read to calm myself down by reading and taking my mind off things. I picked up the book I was in the middle of, but my hands were shaking so much I dropped it. I picked it up again quickly, slamming my fist onto the bookshelf in frustration. I hated feeling this way, I hated being so scared. My father would be ashamed of me if he could see me now, hiding in my room alone, shaking like a leaf. I slammed my book down on the bookshelf at that thought, turning around and walking out of my room. I was a Novak, and I would not be so terrified of Dean Winchester. I would not let my fear rule me.

I found Dean in the training yard, his sword in his hands. His face was a mask of concentration as he slashed at the air in front of him.

"Dean," I said from behind him. Dean stopped what he was doing, turning to look at me.

"Cas, are you-" I held up my hand and he fell silent.

"Before I tell you anything, I need you to promise me you won't repeat anything I say," I told him, my voice quiet. Dean nodded.

"I promise," he said, stabbing his sword into the ground. I nodded.

"I also want to be clear that I'm not telling you this because I feel you have a right to know, or because I feel like I owe you an explanation. I'm telling you this because I refuse to be afraid of your questions anymore. Is that clear?" Dean nodded again, this time staying silent. I took a deep breath before starting, trying to stay calm. I'd never told anyone about this before, I'd tried to never even think about it myself.

"When I was eleven, I still wasn't very good at riding. I could get around on a horse, but anything fancy was out of the question. One day I was out with Hannah. She was helping me get better at riding. I... I don't remember exactly what happened. Maybe there was another animal around. But my horse spooked. He reared, and I fell off his back. He started running..." I gulped, a feeling of residual panic rising in my throat. "Hannah started after him to stop him... the angle she... my horse turned around and started coming back towards me. I saw him coming, but I couldn't move, the breath had been knocked out of me, I was still in shock that I'd fallen in the first place. My horse... he... his front hooves went right over my face. I was so terrified, but as they passed over me I felt such a sense of relief. I could tell he wasn't going to step on my face and I thought I was fine. But that... that only lasted for a second before both of his front hooves... landed on my... my wing. I can't even describe..." I paused for a moment, collecting myself. I realized I was shaking again and made an unsuccessful attempt to still myself.

"My wing wasn't just broken. It was shattered. It's nothing less than a miracle that I was able to keep it at all, much less that it ended up looking so normal after it healed. I haven't been able to fly right since. It may look like it healed normally, but something in there... flying is agony. I've never been comfortable around horses since, and I... I don't think that's unfair of me. So while I appreciate your gesture, I beg you to give up the notion of curing me of my fear. Wings are the most important part of life for my family and all families like us. To loose the power of flight... there is no greater shame. And now I've shared that shame with you, a man I barely know. So what have you to say?" I looked up from where I'd been staring at Dean's sword to meet Dean's horror filled eyes, feeling drained after having to relive that memory.

"If I'd known..." His voice was quiet, just as horrified as his eyes betrayed.

"I know. Now, if you'll excuse me, this has taken quite a toll on me, and I think I should retire early. Please apologize to your parents on my behalf, but I will not be partaking in dinner tonight," I said. Dean didn't say anything as I turned around and headed back into the castle, my body feeling incredibly heavy.

I spent most of the rest of the evening staring into the fire in my hearth, thinking. I thought about Dean, and I thought about my accident, and the customs of my people. No one in Terren could possibly grasp how much importance was placed on the wings back home. They were a status symbol like no other that existed in any kingdoms I'd known of. The nobility of Paradina were a very proud breed, seeing themselves as superior because of their wings. There was almost a civil war when my father married my mother, people were so outraged that any winged man would taint his bloodline with an ordinary woman.No doubt my father was fighting back another war back home at the news of yet another "unequal" marriage being arranged.But I was lucky enough to have parents that raised me without prejudice. Even from my childhood I knew my mother wasn't ordinary, even without wings. She was gentle, compassionate, and kind, something that couldn't be said of many of the Paradinian nobility. But it wasn't their fault. They were raised with that prejudice; from the moment they could understand words, they'd heard of the inferiority of non-winged individuals.

I was roused from my thoughts several hours later when there was a knock on my door.

"Come in," I said, not wanting to take the time to answer the door myself. Dean entered the room, carrying a tray of food.

"I know you said you didn't want to be present at dinner, but I thought you might be hungry anyway, so I snuck you something from the kitchens. Ellen always did love me," Dean said. I hadn't thought myself hungry, but my stomach rumbled when I looked at the food.

"That's very kind of you," I said. I gestured to the across from mine and Dean sat down, handing me the food, which I promptly began to eat. Dean watched me in silence for a moment before speaking.

"Did I really... Are you scared of me?" He asked. I paused, a forkful of food halting halfway to my mouth. I put it back down.

"I was afraid of what would happen if you kept asking questions. I wasn't keen on reliving that memory, nor was I fond of the idea that you would know something so personal about me. But I knew I would break eventually and I wanted to be in control of myself when I told you. I have no other reason to fear you." I resumed eating.

"I'm glad," Dean said quietly. I felt his eyes on me, watching me. I looked up and we made eye contact. I was slightly taken aback at the look in his eyes. It was soft and gentle, and it vaguely unsettled me. There was something in his gaze that... I couldn't tell just what it was. But before I could try and decipher the look, Dean blinked and stood up, and the look vanished.

"I should go. Goodnight, Castiel," he said. I watched him as he turned around and left without waiting for a response. I didn't know what Dean's intention had been in coming here, if he'd really only been interested in bringing me food or if he had wanted to tell me something. Either way, I was tired. I just wanted to sleep and forget everything that had happened today.