I'm A Monster - Wolfstar

25

I'm sat curled up in the corner of the common room, breathing quickly and shivering, my eyes red where I've been crying.
"What's wrong with him?", asks a concerned sixth year, "Is he having a panic attack? Does he need air?"
"No", Sirius says, "He just needs me"
This makes me laugh a bit, but that's a nervous laugh. I've been like this for an hour or two, but people were just starting to come back from their lessons. Sirius had a test so couldn't stay with me, but I said I was going to be fine. I was wrong.
I guess you could call it a panic attack. I just get so stressed up about every little thing on the day. It's the day, and I'm scared. I started crying earlier just because I couldn't find my water bottle (I did in the end, it had fell off my bedside table and rolled under my bed during the night).
He crouches down and puts an arm around me, having to act like these fits are new to him.
"Hey, are you OK?", he asks me.
I shake my head, then add, "What do you think?"
He sits on the floor next to me and hugs me. That makes me start crying, but I have no idea why. He rubs my back slowly to try and calm me down.
"Shall we go upstairs so you can tell me what's wrong?", he asks quietly. I nod.
"I'm going to take him to bed, he'll feel better in the morning", he announces to everyone.
"Me too", says James and Peter, having come into the common room confused to find me crying and shaking and Sirius looking concerned with my tears all over his shirt.
"Tell me if you need our head of house to come and sort things out", the sixth year tells us as we head upstairs.
I sit on my bed, wiping my eyes.
"What is it?", Sirius asks, sitting on one side of me, James and Peter getting on the other.
"Are we intruding anything, or-"
"Shut up, James! I'm not going to kiss him when he looks like he's going to scare himself to death!"
"Alright, calm down. What is it then, Moony? It's a full moon tonight, isn't it?"
"Every little thing stresses me out on the day", I explain, "I always just feel so hopeless"
"You're not hopeless", Sirius says, rubbing my shoulder, "You're great"
"What time is it?", I ask, not replying to what Sirius said.
"Err... twenty past five"
"I'm going to go and sit in the forest"
"But you don't need to be there for at least three hours"
I shrug. "I have nothing else to do"
"What about dinner?"
"I'm not hungry". I hadn't actually eaten anything all day, but I didn't want to concern them.
"You need to get your strength up", James says, "At least come and sit in the Great Hall with us. You'll change your mind when you see all of that food"
"I doubt it", I say, but I put on a shirt and trousers and do up my tie anyway.
"How does my face look?", I ask, looking at them all.
"Gorgeous", Sirius says.
"Honest answer"
"Alright then, pretty"
I sigh, and turn to James. "You're somewhat honest, how do I look?"
"Um.... Pretty bad", he says hesitantly.
"How bad?"
"There's a mirror right there"
"Yeah but I can't see myself in it"
"Wait, what?"
"Before the full moon, I don't see me in the mirror", I say, looking in it, "You just see me, right?"
"Yeah"
"But I see...", I look at the ugly beast taking my place, "I see this big wolf thing, which I'm guessing looks like me when I'm... you know"
"That sounds emotionally painful", Peter says, sounding pitiful.
I nod. "It is, but I'm used to it by now"
In the Great Hall James gives me toast and jam, but I just sit there, looking at it.
"I thought you liked blueberry jam"
"I do, I'm just really not hungry. I said I'll go, but I never said I would eat anything"
"Right, well, at least be cheerful"
I stand up and leave, feeling that if I stay any longer I'll punch him.
Sirius runs after me, as Lily had joined the table and James wanted to talk to her. I'm kind of sick of it. He thinks that if Lily's ever involved in anything he needs to just put a pause on his life with us and talk to her.
"What the hell?", he shouts after me. I stop. "It was a stupid thing for him to say, I know, but-"
"HOW AM I MEANT TO BE CHEERFUL, ESPECIALLY TODAY?! IM A WE-"
"Silencio!"
I carry on screaming, but nothing comes out.
"You almost said something you'd really regret, Remus! You're not thinking straight! Just listen to me", he says calmly, so I have to because I can't speak, and if I run away he won't reverse the spell for me. "You need to calm down, alright? I know you're angry, and scared, and everything else, but we're here for you, OK? James doesn't really think when he talks, and you need to realise that. So I'm going to undo the spell, and you can go back to our dorm. We'll come back for you after dinner, and then we'll all go to the forest, together. OK?"
I take a deep breath which he can't hear and nod.
"Sonorus! I'll see you in an hour", I can talk again but can't find what to say as he walks away.